Scented Candles

So I get myself into all kinds of trouble...

I'm on the PTA. It's something I do to make sure my kids school is as good as I can make it. It causes me some problems. For example (and this is all a lead in to scented candles if you hadn't guessed. I mean you could have thought that I got off on one of usual tangents... a little early, but no)
For example. We have a gift exchange for an ornament. An ornament. A piece of cute that hangs on a tree that we cut down and haul into our house. We do this why? Don't get me wrong I do it too. It looks cool and it smells nice (that is when my allergy medicine is working). But who the fuck thought of this?

Hey Bob?
What?
I think we should cut down a young pine and take it in the house.
oh god here we go again with the dumb ass ideas... WHY?
because then we can hang all those little christmas nick nacks in one place.
What? Are you nuts?
Well ya I am, but still I think a tree would be good to organize those ornaments.
You are fucking off your rocker. but OK lets do it.

So then they got it inside (I am so way off on one of my tangents now...)
and they hung all those little knick knacks. It's a little known fact they they invented the "paper clip gone ornament hook when you run out" technique that first day of hanging ornaments.

So I have to buy an ornament. In past years I've been ridiculed by the PTA ladies for my ornament selection. So I told them this year I was going shopping alone. No help from Tammy. Working without a net.

What did I do? I went to fucking Hallmark and told the lady exactly what I needed then I let her pick it. Fuckin easy. She said "Can I help you?" and I responded, "I bet you can help me more than you've helped anyone today." She even gift wrapped it for me. Ha! for free! personal shopping and free giftwrapping can you beat that? You can't invent holidays like this... oh wait... hallmark has invented holidays... hallmark might have invented christmas... and therefore Hallmark invented Jesus. uh no. But i'm way off now.

So I'm waiting for the gift wrap. (All that above was to justify the next sentance, because I didn't want to admit it without the justification) I'm standing in a hallmark by myself.

I see the Yankee Candle display. If you've ever been to the mall with me. And thats like a very small set of people on the order of like 6 or 7. You know I hate the fucking Yankee Candle because they smell. (I realize that's the point, but they SMELL bad in the mall). If I owned Alderwood mall my first order of business would be evicting those wax pushing pimps of artifical odor.

ok so.

1. I'm standing in a HallMark by the Yankee Candle display
2. I hate Yankee Candle
3. I have to wait 5 mins for gift wrap

I smelled it.

I did.

I thought this has to be awful. It was "Christmas Cookie". I picked it up and I opened the jar and I took a big sniff. Yup. I did. Me. I expected to go "ick fuck you thats not a cookie" but NO. NO I say.

Yum. I was instantly hungry. Moments ago I was not hungry now I craved flour, butter and sugar all baked together into holiday wonder. I was so taken by the smell I smelled it 2 or 3 times. I admit it. I smelled a Yankee candle by choice! Damn I wonder what chemicals those fucks put in there to smell like that. It smelled great. MMMMM cookies. I almost bought the fucking thing. It's like on star trek where they are all poisoned by whatever they beamed up this week (talk about your un safe computing) and one of them, usually spock, managed to struggle to save the ship.

Must not buy candle.
Must not NOT Buy.
Must smell again. No NO do not...mmmmm christmas cookies... yum... maybe i should...
b... NO NO NO no buy. It's a candle. No buy. Not food.

ok fine. So I escaped. Oranment in hand and some part of my brain likely damaged by whatever chemical fooled me into thinking someone competent was baking.

Then fast forward 2 days. I see another "strongly scented candle" by fred meyer. I think oh I wonder if thats like that christmas cookie thing the other day. (See you can see the effects of the brain damage).

This one (a knock off) was named "snow flakes" the strong smell of "snow flakes"... um what?

Snow flakes? What the fuck you talkin bout willis? (that's Gary Coleman a little bit older in an after school special)

Snow flake. What? So i smelled it (think I can bring legal action against yankee candle for brain damage which manifests itself by opening jars claiming to contain strong smelling wax? hot coffee on your lap meant a cool 3 million, this is longer lasting than any ordinary 3rd degree burn)

Um. It smelled.

Like a snow flake? no

I've smelled snow. They could have saved a bunch of money and put just unscented wax in there because as well all know:

SNOW FLAKES DON'T HAVE ANY SCENT whatsoever!!!!!

That could have been one hell of a scam. Have you smelled the Snowflake one? No try it! it smells just like Snow! It made me cold just to open the jar.....

Sorry all that for a stupid not smelling like snow flakes knock off cheap ass strongly scented candle that smelled anything like anything other than snow.