Extreme Elvis aka SlamStock

Those of you see me regularly know I'm going to Extreme Elvis this weekend. Don't expect to see the write up here, but I will post a link to it here.

Should be a blast...

Oh my yet again, I suck

I got a new audio from Franklin Covey. Its on CD so I ripped it on my mac (yes) and then copied it over to my new tablet which is the best computer I've ever used (ya kurt I'm sucking up, so what?). Actually it might sound like I'm just sucking up, but its true after having that tablet pc I suck up more and more.

OK thats not the subject of this entry. Not sucking up. No NO. I suck.

Why do I suck? I'm a slacker. A really big slacker. Ya I have a happy, well fed family. Ya I have a job. Ya I'm changing the world of mobile computing bit by bit (maybe not for the better as results take time to measure). But still I am a slacker.

I'm listening to this new disc Focus and their are talking about goals. Goals... A dream with a date. Fuck you. Don't say Dream and Date in the same breath, you should have been at my prom. Its bad you know. oops tangent. Sorry but my date was a biatch and she did order the sword fish.

Anyways goals yes. I haven't any. I mean at work I want to get my feature done ahead of schedule and under budget with as few bugs as possible. (I'm not sucking up here, I'm just lazy. I mean if I'm done early and there are few bugs thats my idea of lazy. I'm sure my managers will just let me have free vacation whilst the other developers toil over their bugs... talk about a dream...)

oh ya goals... So I got to think some up. WTF... I haven't got any goals.

Maybe my goal should be to play in the NBA.... nah...

Maybe I could become an interior designer... nah...

if you have a goal you think I should consider (i said consider) then drop me an email. I'll post a list of them, oh and don't worry Marie, I won't use your name....

oh this will be good

M

biting the hand that created you

I tried to install something that I worked on onto this server... bad bad bad.... owch

Update: I fixed. This was one of those cases where my special knowlege of the situation hurt me... just choose defaults... don't get smart... don't get fancy... dumbass (Its just like tavern on the green...)

Elemental Rocket Science

So yesterday on my drive home (ya I cracked my card key so I lost my bus pass and got it replaced today.) I see this car driving with a license plate bracket that says AreoJet... It is rocket science.

OK so the guy driving has an issue with his own intellectual prowess, but lets set that aside for a sec. He is driving one of arguably the top five ugliest cars available new today. The Honda Element. Should be called the Honda Homely. Its a big box on wheels. Like the Honda engineers sat around and let their 5 year olds draw "cars" and then gave it 2' of clearance, tinted glass and said "go". The tinted glass is because the driver will be at some point (probably after the narcotics wear off) embarrassed over his or her choice of vehicle. Ok I said his or her to be gender sensitive but lets face no woman has that kind of bad taste so it will always be a him.

OK so its a big box. Lets get back to rocket science. He (yes we covered the gender specificness of this particular driver) apparently either works on rockets or would like everyone on the road to think he works on rockets. He must understand wind resistance. You know drag. Aerodynamics. He bought a fucking cube on wheels. It is so much a cube that in later models Ralph Nader will force them to put pads on the corners so random 7 foot NBA players don't catch themselves in the eye on the thing.

So we can conclude that if this guy (and I stress IF) is in fact a rocket scientist then my sorry ass is staying on the ground where it belongs. Especially if the rocket in question looks like it was designed by a 5 year old in a Crayola "Sea Green" crayon.... Hell I never leave the country let alone the fucking atmosphere...

speedier than light

I found something faster than the speed of light. It's my five year old... Under certain circumstances.

We were hiking in the Hoh Rainforrest and we got to the river which is about 3/4 into the larger loop. We had about a half a mile to finish up. When we started out Sam (my 5 year old daughter) lit out kinda quick and just got faster.

and faster.

She didn't seem scared. But she was moving. I had all my camera gear and I had to keep up with her because she managed to drop the rest of the pack. She just seemed determined.

Faster. I had to ask her to slow down.

I was watching the gps and she was approaching the speed of light as we hit the last bridge. OK she was averaging 3miles per hour. Which yes for those of you literalists who don't realize that I exagerate for effect sometimes will realize that this is in fact much slower than the speed of light. In my defence I never used the word "literally". Except for just then when I was literally using it to say that I never said literally. Shit. I just used it. But it was correct. Literally correct. fuck.

OK So she was figuratively moving at the speed of light.

When we got back to the car I asked why she was going so fast. Her reply: "M&M's daddy"

She knew there were M&M's in the car with her name on them. We told her that if she did the whole hike without complaining she would achive the rank of expert junior hiker and be entitled to the M&M's and when she realized we were getting close to being done she motivated. Over motivated. I guess at some level at worked as she never once complained, but it worked too well as I really sorta missed the last 1/4 of the hike as I was just following her at the speed of light with respect to a 5 year old who has chocolate at the end of the trail....

Record Time

So I'm making friends all over here at MSFT. The guy who makes the card keys knows me.

Why does he know me?

Cause I broke my card key faster than any other employee he's ever seen. ya... thats me.

I was getting in my car to drive home yesterday and I manged to wedge it between me and my sporty "winged" seats and BAM. Um little smart card chips are kinda sensitive... Also the thing that is there to protect my card key... it needs work. It just busted. Snap. Crack.

So I drove over to the place where you get these things and it was, of course, the same guy. He was cool about it and I got my smart card working and he even gave me a new worthless protector that will just snap when subjected to any kind of force that might break its content.

Maybe they should make those things out of aluminum. Wait then you couldn't see through it.... DOH.

As I left I said to the guy "So I'll see you in about 2 weeks" He looked for a second wondering why he would see me in a couple of weeks and then realized I'd be back when I lost/broke/saton/froze/washed and dried my current card key. He laughed.

Now I need a new bus pass... oh man.

Public Transit... Reloaded

So my group at work went to the matrix yesterday. yes that a day before it opened. No this isn't a movie review. No spoilers. I had to miss my regular bus home. The movie ended was to 5:00pm and my bus was at 5:16. No problem right? I'm in a different city. So I got on the web before the movie and figured out a differnt ride home. There was a direct route right by the theater all the way home. Printed my schedule. I was set.

We got there and I had a "then and now" moment. It used to be they just gave us whatever we wanted, but they had coupons that limted our food intake to a popcorn, a drink and a candy. This might seem like i'm saying the service at the free movies has gone down. That isn't so. A popcorn a drink and a candy is plenty of food. Back in the day when we had all we wanted, we all would come back to work sick. Sick. It was free candy... what would you do?

So the candy line was long and they held the film. Shit. I didn't let it bother me. I'm hard core. I can get home. I have like $80 in my pocket and a cell phone. Tammy can't get me because she has people over to the house, but I'll get home, right?

The movie ends at 5:10 and kurt and I bust a move. Shout outs to kurt for stepping on all those people as we exited he cleared a path for us like a secret service agent in a bit of a rush. I really had to pee by now by the way... did i mention the free drink? We didn't stop.

He got me to 6th and 108th where the schedule said my bus would be. I look at the sign... I need a 530 or a 535 or a 53x bus. I look at the numbers on the sign again... no match. Look back to Kurt in the car. He gone. He's quick like that.

Ask a random lady standing there... She says go up to the transit center. I say "Where?" Go up that walkway its about a block.

check the watch... shit 5:15. Bus leaves at... well 5:15 but its ok there is another one soon... how soon? 5:18 fuck... gotta run.

I ran. With my back pack... I ran... It was a long ass block up hill. I get there and It's in bay 9. I'm standing at bay 1. Fuck.

There it is.

WAVE.

RUN.

Catch the freaking bus...

Caught that mutherfucker.

I had to stand most of the way home, but I was just beaming. This was that whole self reliance thing times ten. boo ya. You feel pretty young at 34 when you run 1.5 blocks at a dead run and you don't just die.

Come to think of it I didn't puke either... did I mention the free candy?

I rarely do things out of pure spite...

Last thursday morning when I went to get on the bus a guy (who is now known as "fat fuck" as we shall see) was waiting at the stop when I got there a long with 2 of the safeco ladies. (The safeco ladies are a bit like the free weight ladies at the YMCA only not... so NOT)

I like to wait at the left end of the long shelter as the smoker(s) congregate at the other end. So I showed up and waited at that end. It turns out that the bus stops with the door at that end. FF was kinda giving me a look that I didn't even notice until thinking back on it. But as the bus pulled up he said rather sarcasticly, "Do you want to get on first? I don't mind." this line dripped with sarcasm. Dripped. You know those times when later you look back and wish you had said something else? This wasn't one of those because I had the quick response "no please, you go first, there are plenty of seats". The fact is there are so many seats on this fucking bus we each get two.

Today I did something out of spite. I got there really early so I was fucking first. Actually one of the safeco ladies beat me and I let her get on first. Fat Fuck was late and guess what? He cut at least 3 people... fat FUCK.

Incidentally he's not fat in the physical sense I'm refering to his head....

Why do I *love* to ride the bus

I always have loved the bus. I’ve just started taking it again to work regularly and it’s just fun. I sorta get a charge out of it and the question at hand is why.

It’s not how fast the bus is and its way faster than driving even with the wait. It isn’t the comfy seats and nice warm enviornment. It isn’t that I can actually sleep on my way to work cause the driver has a speaker and likes to say “Microsoft” right before my stop. At least that’s what I think he says. Truthfully he could be saying anything at all and I wouldn’t know it. It isn’t looking down at all those single person vehicles as we figuratively fly down the highway and think “moron”(see how I used that word? Figuratively? We don’t LITERALLY fly anywhere, it’s a fucking bus not a plane. Stop saying “literally” when you don’t fucking mean it. Promise me. Right now. No more literally say figureatively it will freak people out *and* its correct.) Those are all nice. It gets better.

At first glance one would think that its not convienent. You lose flexiblity The buses are late. It’s cold or wet or just plain nasty to wait at the stops.

Fact is none of that’s really an issue. Not for me anyway because everything is relative.

I get something more than just getting to leave my car behind when I ride the bus. I get a serious sense of self reliance. It means no matter what happens, if I can scrounge $3.00 (it’s actually free, but I’m including the “I lost my pass” case in my no matter what happens) then I can get my sorry ass home.

It just so happens that I loved taking the bus from the get go. Looking back, it was a skill that neither one of my parents possesed. I took a city bus every day in 7th grade across quite a few miles just to get my ass whooped on a regular basis. I was down with the bus. It was the least of my worries. Except for the day there was a bit of a riot on the bus. Did I mention I got a lot of ass whoopins? The kids in the back charged the driver who with lightning like super hero reactions… ran… right off the bus and proceeded to lock us all on until the cops came. As soon as that cop opened the door and came on the bus I ducked under his arm and off the bus. I walked my ass home and still survived. I guess I rekindle that spirit of being able to handle myself in an urban situation even though there isn’t any more threat to my personal well being.

Incidentally that was the same time I learned to go hours without going to the bathroom. When you go somewhere 5 out of 7 days a week and you get your ass whooped on lots of those days you learn very quickly that being in small spaces with a single exit is just a *bad* idea. So the bathroom was off limits. So by the time I got home my eyes were floating on most days. Hey you gotta drink your chocolate milk. So when I locked myself out of the house the first step was not to jimmy the front door with my bus pass. It was not to pick the lock on the back door which had like 2 tumblers. It was not to open the garage window so I could get a ladder to play 2nd story man into my bedroom. Those were all good second steps where the first step was to piss on the back of the garage. Then move on to the entry of choice.

So why do I love taking the bus? Because I can and most don’t. That’s the main thing. I can. Its better for the enviornment and I meet lots of interesting looking people.

I have a theory. If you can’t figure out who is the most unattractive person on your bus, its probably you...

Freaky Deaky Shelves

I spent the whole fucking morning putting shelves together. And the afternoon. Then we halo'd but i'm really wanting to talk about the shelves.

First off I'm really bad with geography in western europe. And well... geography everywhere. So they were made in Demark. The shelves that is. They look fantastic. They are press board with a veneer. Those freaky deaky dutch know they fucking veneers. But they do not choose fastners very well or drill good pilot holes for that matter.

I did the unspeakable today... many times. (I'm getting ahead of myself) The screws that hold up the individual shelves have really long heads on them so they stick out the appropriate amount, but they are flat head instead of philips or anything of use. The pilot holes are a bit small too. So you try to get the damn thing in the hole and run the drill to screw it it but the head always slips. Fuck. oh did I mention you hit your fingers with the drill bit that looks like a flat head screw driver? fuck. So what did I do that was so unspeakable? I started hitting the screws with a hammer. Yup Just a couple of taps to hold them in place then i'd spin them with the drill so hard they went flying in.

I got used to it. My son says to me "I want to be like you daddy and build stuff" I says to him "Shoot higher son, I'm not good with tools" He can do better than me, much better (see the part where i cut my freakin finger)

Deonn just told me that my geography is off and they are freak deaky danish...Does than sound like some weird pastry stuffed with some awful kinda fruit and cheese? ah well

I got three shelves down and two to... tomorrow night... i'll be ready with my HAMMER...

please don't be my neighbor

now its:

Speaksobnoxiouslyonspeakerphoneallfuckingdaymanratbastardneedstoknowhowloudheis

I wonder how long it will be before i have to say something to him... it might just be measured in minutes...

wait I just checked... there are TWO of them... christ on a cracker...

Won't you be my neighbor?

If you didn't know it, I make up names for people I know but don't know. Some classic examples are "pants man" from mt. st helens. Deonn gave me "vodka drama queen" for a woman I spent way too long next to on a plane.

I have a neighbor not to close to my office who is now named "Talks on speaker phone really loud all fucking day man"

be aware that if i know your actual name, i don't have a name for you... unless you really need one...

Then and Now

When I first stated at MSFT I installed chicago as it was dogfoodable.

today I installed the next rev of the o/s and it's named after a bar in cananda...

btw windows 95 felt really cool back then. This one is WAY cool...

this MS history minute has been brought to you by absolute...the favorite vodka of vodka drama queens around the world...