nothing like fried ignorance in the middle of the day...
it's not hard to be a customer at the grill here at work for lunch. It's not nothing you have some responsibility. To be clear though there isn't much you have to do.
Here are some helpful guidelines:
1. order when they look at you. If you don't do this at least order when they fucking greet you. Come on people dude is up to his ass in grease meat and Styrofoam (I wish I were referring to the plates) when he says "hi" this translates roughly into "What the fuck do you want?". Order it and order it now.
2. Move the fuck down. Don't stand there like an idiot in the order window with 4 people behind you. Move down. This happened at breakfast and at lunch. Order then move. not "order then stand there looking stupid waiting for the guy to take your money" move. K? #2 is move down after you order. Got it? (I'm mostly speaking to the lady in front of me at lunch. You don't know who you are and if you did you'd be highly offended, right? so stop reading now if you know who you are. k? buh bye)
3. ok got rid of her. Pay attention (shit she needed this feed back too, and I got rid of her, oh well). If they want to ask you a question, be prepared to answer them once and quickly. These are not questions like "What is the sound of one fry frying" or even "If I burn that burger and there is nobody here gonna eat it, does it still taste bad?" kinda questions these are "What kind of cheese?" fucking answer them. American. Swiss. Or if you want to be fancy (and likely get your food spit on if you aren't paying attention) you can ask "what are my options?" and at the end you belt out "Cheddar". For the record if you get a list of cheeses you better order something like peperjack or havarti rather than fucking cheddar. They had fucking cheddar and you knew it. Asswhipebuttmuncheridiot. I sometimes respond to the cheese questions, "American because I have no class." It occasionally gets a laugh. One lady went as far as to tell me that it tastes like plastic (right after i ordered it) I told her "you have to remove the individual wrappers before you eat it." Where the fuck was I? oh ya pay attention. Another
great question is "what kind of fries with xxx" the xxx is what you ordered. Guess what people the xxx is their subtle way to make sure they didn't fuck up your order. Just say tots and move on, the other choices are irrelevant. tots. Hear me? tots. Nothing else. Why do they ask you ask? well to make sure you're paying attention (see this is #3).
4. When they try to subtly confirm your order. Do not confirm someone else's. Now I really regret getting rid of today's grill line patron lady who was in front of me, she really fucking needs to hear this. If you ordered a burger and they say "What kind of fries with your grilled cheese?" then something should click in that little drug addled brain of yours (i'm making some assumptions here) that they are fucking up the order right then. Do not under any circumstances say "regular". Why? because 1. you didn't have a grilled cheese I DID. NOT YOU. so shut the fuck up. Or look at them and go "Grilled cheese?" and they will get it they are professionals. Then the general query will go out "Who had the grilled cheese?" and I'll step up with "That was me, I'll have tots, thanks very much."
See how smooth that was? easy even. No worries. Do not say "regular please". Reason #2 see #3 you should have said tots then i would not be handed my grilled cheese with regular fries you dumb ... (ok i don't really use *that* word). no clue. I have tried to eliminate this problem by suggesting everyone say tots. see why can't we just get along?
5. Take your food and leave. Most people get this right, but i thought i'd mention because I didn't get a chance to see the lady in front of me leave with hers because I got mine first. If they fuck something up. Just take it anyway. Ok within reason. Just do it. You owe it to the people behind you. In my case I delt without tots because bitch lady ordered for me without realizing. I smiled and thanked them and took it. As an aside if they had been curly, heaven (usual atheistic disclaimers apply) knows I would have given them to her and asked for my fucking tots because we all have to draw the line somewhere.
6. pay for the food. If you get into the dude's line do not correct him when he calls you "Kerry"... trust me. Just don't.
7. Get your ketchup (you need ketchup for those tots, do you not?) Use the wonder bar (tm) on the right the one on the left is too soupy. Not sure how they manage to do that, but it is. You can remember it with this clever saying. "Right is Right" or better yet this insightful one "The wonder bar on the left sucks less because it's less soupy" k?
8. do not sit down. go back to your office and type a blog about your experience and spill ketchup on yourself and forget your drink, but damn all of that because you have something to blog about. boo ya.
9. Eat. blog and be merry.
10. (bonus tip) Choose an annoying co worker (um not your boss) and put your tray in his office. If you really don't like this loser throw the left over grilled cheese and tots in his garbage too.
You're done! Now wasn't that easy?
Maybe tomorrow I'll get my tots... bitch.
Here are some helpful guidelines:
1. order when they look at you. If you don't do this at least order when they fucking greet you. Come on people dude is up to his ass in grease meat and Styrofoam (I wish I were referring to the plates) when he says "hi" this translates roughly into "What the fuck do you want?". Order it and order it now.
2. Move the fuck down. Don't stand there like an idiot in the order window with 4 people behind you. Move down. This happened at breakfast and at lunch. Order then move. not "order then stand there looking stupid waiting for the guy to take your money" move. K? #2 is move down after you order. Got it? (I'm mostly speaking to the lady in front of me at lunch. You don't know who you are and if you did you'd be highly offended, right? so stop reading now if you know who you are. k? buh bye)
3. ok got rid of her. Pay attention (shit she needed this feed back too, and I got rid of her, oh well). If they want to ask you a question, be prepared to answer them once and quickly. These are not questions like "What is the sound of one fry frying" or even "If I burn that burger and there is nobody here gonna eat it, does it still taste bad?" kinda questions these are "What kind of cheese?" fucking answer them. American. Swiss. Or if you want to be fancy (and likely get your food spit on if you aren't paying attention) you can ask "what are my options?" and at the end you belt out "Cheddar". For the record if you get a list of cheeses you better order something like peperjack or havarti rather than fucking cheddar. They had fucking cheddar and you knew it. Asswhipebuttmuncheridiot. I sometimes respond to the cheese questions, "American because I have no class." It occasionally gets a laugh. One lady went as far as to tell me that it tastes like plastic (right after i ordered it) I told her "you have to remove the individual wrappers before you eat it." Where the fuck was I? oh ya pay attention. Another
great question is "what kind of fries with xxx" the xxx is what you ordered. Guess what people the xxx is their subtle way to make sure they didn't fuck up your order. Just say tots and move on, the other choices are irrelevant. tots. Hear me? tots. Nothing else. Why do they ask you ask? well to make sure you're paying attention (see this is #3).
4. When they try to subtly confirm your order. Do not confirm someone else's. Now I really regret getting rid of today's grill line patron lady who was in front of me, she really fucking needs to hear this. If you ordered a burger and they say "What kind of fries with your grilled cheese?" then something should click in that little drug addled brain of yours (i'm making some assumptions here) that they are fucking up the order right then. Do not under any circumstances say "regular". Why? because 1. you didn't have a grilled cheese I DID. NOT YOU. so shut the fuck up. Or look at them and go "Grilled cheese?" and they will get it they are professionals. Then the general query will go out "Who had the grilled cheese?" and I'll step up with "That was me, I'll have tots, thanks very much."
See how smooth that was? easy even. No worries. Do not say "regular please". Reason #2 see #3 you should have said tots then i would not be handed my grilled cheese with regular fries you dumb ... (ok i don't really use *that* word). no clue. I have tried to eliminate this problem by suggesting everyone say tots. see why can't we just get along?
5. Take your food and leave. Most people get this right, but i thought i'd mention because I didn't get a chance to see the lady in front of me leave with hers because I got mine first. If they fuck something up. Just take it anyway. Ok within reason. Just do it. You owe it to the people behind you. In my case I delt without tots because bitch lady ordered for me without realizing. I smiled and thanked them and took it. As an aside if they had been curly, heaven (usual atheistic disclaimers apply) knows I would have given them to her and asked for my fucking tots because we all have to draw the line somewhere.
6. pay for the food. If you get into the dude's line do not correct him when he calls you "Kerry"... trust me. Just don't.
7. Get your ketchup (you need ketchup for those tots, do you not?) Use the wonder bar (tm) on the right the one on the left is too soupy. Not sure how they manage to do that, but it is. You can remember it with this clever saying. "Right is Right" or better yet this insightful one "The wonder bar on the left sucks less because it's less soupy" k?
8. do not sit down. go back to your office and type a blog about your experience and spill ketchup on yourself and forget your drink, but damn all of that because you have something to blog about. boo ya.
9. Eat. blog and be merry.
10. (bonus tip) Choose an annoying co worker (um not your boss) and put your tray in his office. If you really don't like this loser throw the left over grilled cheese and tots in his garbage too.
You're done! Now wasn't that easy?
Maybe tomorrow I'll get my tots... bitch.
posted by J.R. at 12:27 PM
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