This one goes out to the one i ....

I ask my children not to use the word in mind to end the title, so I won't either.

You know who you are.

You know I don't know you.

You don't know me.

You don't know jack, but you share the first letter of his name.

This one's for you...

oh man... now I've probly got 6 cookies that say i'm fat

I accidentally clicked on one of those atkins adds and whoppie goldberg popped up in another window to tell me i'm fat... what a way to start the day. I was just trying to hit refresh... doh.

and another thing... dammit

Ok so adds on the internet... Ya I know why they are they and I even understand how they guess which adds to place, but ya know what... they are pissing me off now.

Not because they are in the way, thats true too.

So at home "they" (they being the add rotation peeps) "they" think I'm single and need a date... I need to sign up for this or that kind of personals... um... it's not just one of them either. It's very annoying. What cookie is causing that? so I deleted them all... still I'm a loser who can't get next to anyone so i should join this service... doh.

At work i'm just fat. fat fat fat. if Atkins isn't trying to get me to stop eating carbs (well they really just want me to buy their bad bread) it's eDiets trying to make me drop a dress size or two... excuse me? I don't even know what my dress size is. I wore a cocktail dress once in college, but that was extenuating circumstances. Or better yet they just show me some chick's butt. (not that i'm opposed to that, but at the top of my home page, it gets old fast) In truth I don't know what that add said... Did I mention I'm easily distracted?

What was I talking about?

Message in a blogger update

So apple was listening. OK I can prove mathematically that they didn't act on my message in a blogger but rather figured out the feature before i did.

So I have an iPod usability tip for you.

On long tracks (such as audio books that are like over an hour each) if you use the center button to "play" them. That is navigate to the track and hit the center button. Just a tap not a tap and hold. It will start playing where you left off. I dont' think it does it for albums however. So listening to Chris Rock you have to remember he was talking about the Mayor being on "the pipe" (say that with me in my super white voice, it sounds funny in and of itself. "the pipe") or really bad weaves. As a side note before I got this born suspect tape I didn't even know what a weave was... we learn something new every day, or we likely didn't get out of bed... oh that sounds like a good day. I didn't learn anything, but shit I got a load of sleep...

message in a blogger... I'll keep trying.

what to write about?

I could write about urinal statistics on my new floor. (66% not flushed. It's a lever people. It's right there. use your fucking elbow if you're a howard hughes look alike.)

I could write about more strange mouth rinsing behaviour on my new floor. (i don't even want to tell you, but i will. dude came INTO the bathroom with a mouth full of water... then spit... WTF? that does not stand for "Why that's foul!")

I could write more about the stupid fire road with two tone gravel that's likely an inadvertant demonstration of entropy. ( I could even include a photo, but I won't)

I could write about how I can get lost in my own building... sad but true.

There's lots I could write about, but I'm just lazy and it's sooo nice out. So instead. I'm going to buy a brand new bar-b-q grill and set fire to some charcoal and eat some dead roasted flesh... boo ya.

late night telephone spam

it's 9:00 and I don't want a fucking credit card. I don't care if I collect points towards gold coins... i don't want it.

I usually have fun with telemarketers, but I was in no mood. I ran this one over with as much air as I could muster into my lungs. I wasn't loud, but I just talked a lot about how i wasn't interested and i went on and on and in the end he was trying to get *me* off the phone.

i guess I did have fun...

next time... Rain Man will answer...

ya... no interested... ya definately not interested... wapner in 20 mins... wapner... 19 mins... 19 minutes to wapner not interested in the 8.9% apr credit card.. platinum visa... ya definately not interested in the rewards system with points going towards miles, hotel stays or the interval international membership fees... ya definately not interested... ya...

What are we teaching these kids?

So I was riding the shuttle yesterday and I saw all the trees in bloom and I could smell spring in the air. It actually just smells like congestion but I'm such an idiot I won't take my allergy pills, but I'm already off on a tangent.

I got to thinking about pollen, because riding on a shuttle is like a really long elevator ride with arguably more danger and it doesn't really go vertical, at least you hope so. We all ride kinda quiet so you get time to think about how trees reproduce.

Then I thought about the birds and the bees. Who came up with that phrase? I think it should say, "Rather than teach my kids about reproduction, I will confuse them." How is this confusing?

Birds don't reproduce (for saving of typing and your reading from here on out I will refer to reproducing with the simple abbreviation: "fuck") Well birds lay eggs, we don't. They feed their young by puking usually. We ... don't. Don't get me wrong we do equally strange stuff. Mammals. Boo yah.

Bees don't fuck like us. I don't even know how they fuck so I guess I don't know about the birds and the bees.

How does this have anything to do with trees? Because I don't know how bees fuck (something about a queen and a drone, but I thought that was capital hill, or is it capital hive? I dunno) all my life I thought they meant how bees move pollen from tree to tree. We sure as shit don't fuck like trees.

So the bees help the trees. I thought that was what they meant by the bees half of the birds and the bees. I know we don't fuck like trees. I certainly don't want a bee even in the house let alone in the room. OK that was gross and dangerous. But whatever.

Why don't we teach kids about the Dolphins and the Sperm whales? I mean you'd have one of the harder words out of the way with the whole sperm whale, right? They do fuck like us. They do feed their young like us. Wouldn't this be less confusing?

So I'm on the shuttle thinking about all this pollen. Trees are fucking easy. They pollute the air with their "pollen" and they let insects carry it about. Hell they even pay the bees to carry it. Nectar... What's that all about? So that makes bees ... well... workers... and when we take the honey and put it on a scone (I love scone, you might put your honey on a biscuit but I really like a good scone... Unless it has country ham then it has to be a biscuit. ah scones... I'm hungry) when we take the honey we're pimps. Don't give me any shit, just give me the honey... Bee.

so maybe there is a lot of good material in the bee end of things....

bad office day?

So have you had a bad hair day? I'm having a bad office day. We just moved offices all around the building and mine is AFU. (All Fucked Up).

I'm not sure where to begin, but let me say I can't turn on my desk lamp. I have to rethink everything... everything...

fuck

Sleeping in

When you get up at 5:00 consistently though the week... sleeping in on saturday has you up at 7:30 am....

that is just so wrong... is it not?

Man bag dilema has been solved....

I'm not telling how, because I'm kinda tired and my new idea might be... well some would call it "ill conceived" others would say that i'm "ON THE PIPE" (That means crack)... It could be brilliant but who knows? Results take time to measure.

So if this post vanishes in the future you can rest assured it was the pipe...

I know I'm late

OK it isn't St. Patrick's day anymore. It's a stupid in a bottle kinda holiday anyways and who wants to be pinched by random people so they wear green. OK so I love holidays, if you don't wear green a stranger can pinch you? ...fuck off... I think thats a 3rd degree misdemeanor something like taking an indecent liberty. Guess it depends on where they pinch you. but still like I said earlier... fuck... OFFF...

Ok I had to get my braces adjusted: see?



They are green and everybody (yes you too kurt don't try and wiggle out of it) say well too bad you didn't have that yesterday like it would have saved me from getting pinched...

For the record I didn't get pinched or even threated... i wore a green tshirt... fuck i'm not stupid. I made sure it was big green too so in case I happened upon a drunk person who wanted someone to pinch it would be hard for them to miss all stupided up like that...

what do you do?

When you find out that your boss drives the single most ugly car out on the road... well it could be worse... it could be an ORANGE element... doh

Accents

I'm not much for travel, but I love accents and people with accents, they are fun to listen to and talk to, so I encourage people with accents to come and visit.

I'm listening to the instructor of my class. It's a high end programming class produced by a vendor who has come into my place of work and is teaching us stuff. He's got a thick philly accent. He's a field expert in what he's talking about.

He reminds me of a cross between Rick Moranis (He looks loads and loads like Rick Moranis Also he seems quite a bit smarter than Rick Moranis, but I've never met Rick Moranis so I really don't know) and Teller no that's not because he doesn't talk. Oh... quite the opposite, but it's his job. Teller is from Phillidelphia as well. I had the pleasure of having lunch with Teller one day thanks to my friend Aye Jaye. Teller is also from phillidelphia.

The difference (besides the whole Rick Moranis thing) is?

Teller is a shit load smarter...

As as aside I'm convinced that Teller thinks I'm an idiot, because he said something so smart to me that, even now years later when I think about it, I get a little brain numb. It made my spine tingle... you can't make this stuff up. It was so insightful that it shook my synaptic network.

twist and turn

why i don't travel outside the USA

People are confused when I tell them I don't like to leave the country even Canada which is like going to Montana only with Kilometers instead of miles and considerably less fire arms.

It's because I know that I'm ignorant. Just as ignornant as they come. I don't know shit about any country other than my own. Ah you say thats why I should travel so I'll learn and be less ignorant. This sort of learning can only be done by trial and error. The errors could be costly. So no. Ignorant is just fine for now.

I'll go to vegas instead.

pop overs

So I can make a mutherfuckin popover. I mean it. We're talking flakey buttery hollow pastries... boo ya...

So I wonder a few things about this. First is why the fuck do they call it a popover when the whole goal is for them not to pop at all. If it pops you're fuckin' done. I mean it, if you hear the sound pop it ain't a popover anymore... it's a pop under. Or a popped over... no idea. but no poppin.

Second why do I cook so much? I guess because I can. I mean I made a freakin' prime rib this weekend. That was pretty easy but honestly if I hadn't checked my numbers at the end it would have ... well in the language of popovers... my roast would have popped and I'm not talking about that little white thing that comes flying out of the turkey as if you threw a rod in 67 dodge dart... you don't want to be on the receiving end of one of those fuckers...

third... will Martha Stewart make popovers in jail? I doubt it. They will likely only give her a dutch oven a bag of match lite and a pair of tin snips... no wait thats a crazy failed reality show i heard about called "solve it with METAL"... but I digress

I mean this woman is going to do time... she saved 50K or so by breaking the law (according to the jury that convicted her) and now she's going up the river... and I can make a perfect popover... some thing wrong with the world... wrong...

wait a sec... if that whole Microsoft thing doesn't work out... maybe I have a new career ahead of me... I hear Martha Stewart International Inc. (or whatever the fuck it's called) is hiring...

IQ test my way

These 2 questions will asses your IQ and as a bonus feature they are multiple choice so they are accessible to all IQ's

When I meet a stupid person I:

a. feel pity for them
b. feel contempt for them
c. waffle in between depending on just how dumb they are.
d. I haven't ever met anyone stupid.

When I meet a really smart person I:

a. Avoid them quickly because they use big words.
b. spend my time waffling between thinking they are smart or maybe a pOzer.
c. Want to hang out with them because i might learn a big word.
d. I never meet smart people, I just watch the price is right all the time. (it's on DVD now)

you should be able to grade yourself...

oh you just can't make this shit up...

So the same guy... the same fucking rinse your mouth in the kitchen sink at work guy...

I'm brushing my teeth... in the bathroom where this belongs... and in comes this guy... he uses the urinal.. ok fine that also belongs in here...

He walks right to the paper towell dispenser and he takes a paper towel and flushes the urinal.. ok a clean freak... this is a new one on me... but whatever... then he walks out. No hand washing... so neat freak? no just freak.

i finish removing the mission style burrito from my teeth. (i could write a whole blog entry on why I theorize they are called mission style but i'm in a hurry) and I exit the bathroom only to pass the kitchen where you guessed it... I see him in there with a mouth full of water...

doh...

Not for the weak of stomach

Marie, you heard me... don't read this if you aren't feeling well...

OK so these are things that disgust me at work.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE: (or you will in a second) do not rinse out your mouth in the kitchen sink at work. Do that at home. Um Especially while I'm drinking a glass of water right there by the water filter. ick.

I also want to know what the fuck lead up to the lunch tray being abandoned in the 2nd floor men's room. This is not right people. I know we could shoot a memento style short entitled lunch tray that explains how this lunch tray came to be in 2nd floor men's room at work... oh oh... ya...

Also I'm ok with people coming to get lunch barefooted. I mean they are only one step away from a birkenstock, so thats fine. But please peeps: Wear some non absorbant footwear to the bathroom. This means NO SOCKS... shoes people. Flip Flops. I don't care what, this is granted more for the wearer and not for me but I have to draw the line somewhere.

The other thing that disgusts me is the smokers who managed to bring enough smoke with them back into the elevator for everyone else. Bring your fucking machine down to the garage and smoke there. Stay in the green box people. Green box also needs to be 1000 feet from any elevator or other confined space. Where is OSHA man when you need him? Or his side kick consumer advocate boy. I know i know that show hasn't been the same since the replaced Ralph Nader as consumer advocate boy...

whacky shuttle drivers...

So I had to get a shuttle from one building to another today. Why isn't important, in fact it was terribly dull but that is such an aside and a dull one I won't go into it.

On the shuttle I've encountered some crazy drivers... They all were driving too. Strange that. Some highlights include the one driver who was incredulus over the fact that given her charge (to transport unsuspecting passengers from point a to point b for money) she was expected to drive accident free. This was years ago and she was pissed that if she were to get into a wreck (any wreck) she would get an 8 day suspension even if it wasn't her fault. I'm smiling and nodding because it's my unsuspecting life in her hands but I was happy to get off that bus.

Another guy had driving gloves on and spent the whole time telling me why he prefers a small shuttle over a large shuttle. He had driving gloves on driving a dodge caravan... i really can't remember his reasoning for wanting to drive the dodge caravan over the short bus like bigger thing, he had gloves on. he scared me.

Or the old friendly talkative man who's shuttle broke down and would only go in reverse and had to kick us off of his shuttle. He was nice. He called us another shuttle.

They have candy in the shuttles... I could with my braces actually eat some, but alas they kinds I like are all sticky and taffy like.

Today was a ride... i mentioned the candy and how I used to always get a piece of taffy and now I can't. She was a little talkative. she went on and on about her son's dental care (we went like 4 blocks total and it seemed like an eternity). She found out he needed his jaw broken and... and... she wasn't going to pay... long story (literally) short here.... she ... it was expensive... oh fuck who cares.

Then she asks me if I still have six employees working for me. (in fact I have none) and I tell her no trying to get her to figure out that she has me mixed up with somone else... no luck... She asked me about if I was hiring... aha... we have motivation. I think she was trying to get her son a job.... oh look my stop... so someone else could pay to have his jaw broken maybe? oh look my stop... ... bye

Thats the good thing about shuttle drivers... you rarely see one twice. Let's hope?

if you're bloggin while you're hungry clap your hands

I just smelled something out of the kitchen at work that smelled like captian crunch crunch berry brand cereal. (not that knock off crunch barry crap that didn't even have a box to read while you ate it...no no the real captain crunch crunch berry cereal)....

Wow that took me back. I remember reading (on the box) that it was part of this complete breakfast which included... milk, OJ, toast, and Bacon... which food group is a crunch berry? I mean they aren't even berries. They are piece of cereal with enough sugar to satisfy even... well me... (Probly not my friend Chris who puts sugar on frosted flakes), but me. Enough artificial color to send a friend of mine's kid through the roof. (I'm not kidding she's really alergic to food coloring you should have seen this then 7 year old after eating like one marshmallow that had blue #2 in it.)

The crunch berry smell brought back all the foods I either can't eat; won't eat; or Tammy won't let me eat. Foods from my childhood. Doritos, Chef Boy Are DEE (tm) anything. My favorites included roller coasters, ravioli. It never occured to my parents that this was pasta? I hated spagetti as a child. I would eat the meat sauce like it was chilli, but keep those fucking noodles off of my plate. However if you put it in a can then it's fucking good and I'll eat it... I can't eat it now... why?

I'll give you a clue... same reason I can't eat doritos...

People who know me know... do you know me?

Answers via email please as I'm too lazy to put a "comments" feature on my blog...

Two dumbest fucking things I've seen in a long time...

So the first one I don't have a picture of. It's way stupider than the other one. It's not funny either... Just picture a recumbent bike wobbly as all hell climbing up one of the steepest hills by work... on the wrong side of the road!

Message in a blogger: Do not ride bikes on the left side of the road you will get killed.

Message in a blogger 2: stay off recumbent bikes... they are unstable.

The second I had to kinda sneak a picture of... It was in the Lynnwood Alderwood Bon...

An astroturf pillar. To sell clothes? OK I don't get it.



Message in a blogger 3 ( a new record I think): Bon Macy's: What the fuck is with the vertical astroturf pillar?

If i get an answer I'll post it...

I'm full

I got yet another filling today. If this reads with a slur it's the local anesthetic not the braces...

I decided that I love dental dam. It's great stuff. I mean they clamp that thing on and there is a rubber well... dam (hence the name) between you and badness.

There are smells & tastes and stuff going on on the other side of the rubber... well... dam and I'm over here. I like to think I'm in another room. When they spray water in my mouth i don't have to "kiss the straw" to get rid of it... no no my blue latex friend takes the brunt of it all... When they spray water it makes a pretty fountain. I wondered why it wasn't getting in my eyes then I remember I was looking at the world through cheap sun glasses provided by the assistant.

So it's like going to vegas right there are pretty lights... women... (well they don't bring you drinks and they are professionally dressed instead of the random toga, but hey work with me) There is a vertible fountain in my mouth.

They play pretty good music and I just sit there and chill.

And another thing... how much tooth do I freaken have? She was drilling the back molar and she just kept drilling and drilling... I expected either oil to come gushing out of my mouth or perhaps we'd hear china on the other side. I mean I've used a rotary tool on stuff... hard stuff.. hardened steel and it didn't take that long.

Then they put all kinds of stuff in there and they even match the color. There was a small debate over what color would match better. I expected either Martha Stewart in a rather drab orange jump suit to come and weigh in or Christopher Lowell to come in wearing a welding mask to give the final say on just the right color for my molar.

They were replacing one of those old metalic (probably mercury based poison) filling so whatever whitish kinda thing they put in there would be fine, right?

I'm numb now... I can't eat... but I've done my last filling... last one... last... hear me? last. I brush now up to 4 times a day... I floss daily (I missed one day so far, but thats still pretty good). I use something called a proxy brush. How could I get another cavity?

how?

Well see the thing is this filling had a cavity under it. UNDER it. So what else is lurking in there?

no no... I'm full.

Flame on

No no I'm not flaming anybody... so sorry to dissapoint.

but if I were going to flame someone it would likely be the bus driver who for a short time parked her bus in such a way to trap my car in like an ant. Ok it's a beetle, but still you get the point. I've never felt closterphobic before and there was just an hint of hey if I wanted to get out of here I couldn't. Then she finished filling out her (we need profanity for a real flame) fucking paper work and then took her own sweet time moving that giant piece of shit bus out of my fucking way and letting me breathe easy again... but there is not a need to flame her, because it wasn't all that bad and it lasted all of like a minute twenty while she sat there and she was getting out of someone else's way... but alas another digression...

It came up in conversation that people like to be far away when they flame someone. I know you're thinking what idiot threw that into a conversation? well me of course. That lead me to flame throwers...

Flame throwers do just that they throw flame away from the user and at the we'll say "target" so as to deter them from killing our user in most cases. (for the uber geeks out there: I wonder what the UML diagrams are for a flame thrower)

Anyway think of the marketing to get the soldiers to use this thing. They started off with:

Sgt: Try out this Power Flame Stick.

Pvt: fuck you, i'll get burned. (ok likely not with the whole sgt pvt relationship but bear with me)

Sgt: no this is really cool it has all this fuel on your back

pvt: ya?

Sgt: Then you push this button here. I won't do it because it'll kill us all in here.

pvt: wait a sec what? If you pushed that button we'd all die?

sgt: well ya it's an "outdoor" toy... er... weapon

pvt: fuck you again sarge.

sgt: ok well it's really misnamed... it's a flame tosser

pvt: nope fuck off i'll stick to my rifle

sgt: well it's really a flame pusher

pvt: no sale

sgt: ok private let's just say this thing throws flame so far when you push this
button right here it'll fucking take out the enemy headquarters

pvt: now you're talking... flame... THROWER... ya I like the sound of that...

sgt: another satisfied customer...

It's all in the marketing... I guess that's why the "flame handbuzzer" never took off... Marketing.