I don't think the elevators get along.
The following has been exaggerated for effect and my own personal amusement.
So we have two elevators in this building. I will call them the left and the right. Since some (read most) of my readers work in this building, (I just go around and browse their machines to my blog so they are forced to read it when they get back from lunch.) I need to be clear which elevator is which. It might seem at first that calling them the left and the right elevator is ambiguous and you're right it is. So let's say, "button left" and, "button right." Alert readers are mumbling right now "Which fucking button you a-hole?!?"
I calmly respond, "The button you use to 'call' the elevator."
Call the elevator? I guess that's correct but it sounds like you're saying "here elevator... come here boy... come on... up to 2... good elevator." Maybe we should say, "signal the elevator." I just don't know.
Unless you're calling the bad elevator, but we'll get to that in a second. First we need to establish that when you are pushing the button before either elevator has opened the way most people are facing at that point has a left and a right. Left elevator is on that person's left and right elevator is on that person's right. Unless that person(s) (or maybe you) like to press the button with their ass then please reverse the right and left for button right and button left.
So the good elevator is on my left when I press the button and the bad elevator is on the right. How can I tell? Oh I know.
Is it because the bad elevator is actually farther and causes me to walk more no matter which way I'm going? no. Is it because of their aroma or odor (depending on which one you're in.) no.
Have you noticed that people you like have an aroma and people you hate just smell? Some people just walk around with a look on their face like they have something that smells bad lodged directly in the nose. I guess maybe their snot smells bad. Imagine that for a second if your snot smelled bad... ya sorry.
Is it their decor? Nope they are exactly the same.
One is simply evil and the other is a very caring elevator. I noticed this over the last couple of days. I took the bad elevator back from lunch 2 days ago and it wanted to take my leg off as I crossed the threshold into it. It bites. The other one this morning made itself known to me as the good elevator by after I was safely in and pressed the button it closed maybe 3 inches and then snapped back open with such force as if it were afraid it was going to hurt me. I pressed the closed door and cursed at it. Why would I curse at an inanimate object? (That was totally rhetorical because I've been personofying the damn things since the title of the post... see?)
So I started thinking about the conversations the elevators would have if the elevators could talk to each other. I honestly don't speak elevator so the below is pure conjecture on my part. K?
Right: "oh some fucker is calling up on 3 you go get him."
Left: "You're closer! He'll get to the garage faster if you go"
Right: "Ya OK. fine I'll go get the fucker, but I'm gonna bite him this time."
Left: "no wait...don't hurt him. that guy is nice he never pushes the button 50 times when in a hurry"
Right: "Ya fuck you I'm there, I'm sure I'll get his toe this time!"
And so on.
What about late at night. They just sit there. Waiting. Do they get bored and play elevator chess in their heads? I doubt it. I don't think they get along. Wouldn't that suck. They don't sleep. If they do I wake them up in the morning and you'd think they'd really hate me.
If you've ever tangled with the right elevator then you know how dangerous it can be. It's all about getting that door shut. It's the elevator I prefer actually cause it gets you there faster. It's even more violent with its stops. It does like to dip a little sometimes when you step in. Fun.
Once in Canada I stayed in a hotel that had 6 elevators in it. Thats half a jury. Imagine the shit that must go on between them. Well I only think of them because one of those elevators was closed and didn't work at all. I don't know if they staff was just lying to stupid Americans (us and er well... me), but they said that a man had been decapitated in elevator #3 and so they don't use it anymore. Why? Out of respect for the dead? If I get chopped up in an elevator please just call the maintenancecrew to clean me out of it and continue to use it at your own risk. Are they scared of elevator #3? I don't think these people are afraid of anything. I have no idea why they would close it down. I thought maybe it had happened last week and they were waiting for that "aroma" to clear but, no. It had been over 10 years. So while we were checking out I was waiting for one of the other lazy fucking elevators to come and I started hoping that the deadly elevator would open. Would I get in? fuck ya. What are the odds that 2 mutherfuckers would get their head cut off in the same way? I would be totally in there. You know what would be funny would be to do the bit where you hike your coat up over your head and button it then come out of the elevator with that Frankenstein walk going on... ok no that would be... wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Unlike this post... which isn't funny... just wrong.
So we have two elevators in this building. I will call them the left and the right. Since some (read most) of my readers work in this building, (I just go around and browse their machines to my blog so they are forced to read it when they get back from lunch.) I need to be clear which elevator is which. It might seem at first that calling them the left and the right elevator is ambiguous and you're right it is. So let's say, "button left" and, "button right." Alert readers are mumbling right now "Which fucking button you a-hole?!?"
I calmly respond, "The button you use to 'call' the elevator."
Call the elevator? I guess that's correct but it sounds like you're saying "here elevator... come here boy... come on... up to 2... good elevator." Maybe we should say, "signal the elevator." I just don't know.
Unless you're calling the bad elevator, but we'll get to that in a second. First we need to establish that when you are pushing the button before either elevator has opened the way most people are facing at that point has a left and a right. Left elevator is on that person's left and right elevator is on that person's right. Unless that person(s) (or maybe you) like to press the button with their ass then please reverse the right and left for button right and button left.
So the good elevator is on my left when I press the button and the bad elevator is on the right. How can I tell? Oh I know.
Is it because the bad elevator is actually farther and causes me to walk more no matter which way I'm going? no. Is it because of their aroma or odor (depending on which one you're in.) no.
Have you noticed that people you like have an aroma and people you hate just smell? Some people just walk around with a look on their face like they have something that smells bad lodged directly in the nose. I guess maybe their snot smells bad. Imagine that for a second if your snot smelled bad... ya sorry.
Is it their decor? Nope they are exactly the same.
One is simply evil and the other is a very caring elevator. I noticed this over the last couple of days. I took the bad elevator back from lunch 2 days ago and it wanted to take my leg off as I crossed the threshold into it. It bites. The other one this morning made itself known to me as the good elevator by after I was safely in and pressed the button it closed maybe 3 inches and then snapped back open with such force as if it were afraid it was going to hurt me. I pressed the closed door and cursed at it. Why would I curse at an inanimate object? (That was totally rhetorical because I've been personofying the damn things since the title of the post... see?)
So I started thinking about the conversations the elevators would have if the elevators could talk to each other. I honestly don't speak elevator so the below is pure conjecture on my part. K?
Right: "oh some fucker is calling up on 3 you go get him."
Left: "You're closer! He'll get to the garage faster if you go"
Right: "Ya OK. fine I'll go get the fucker, but I'm gonna bite him this time."
Left: "no wait...don't hurt him. that guy is nice he never pushes the button 50 times when in a hurry"
Right: "Ya fuck you I'm there, I'm sure I'll get his toe this time!"
And so on.
What about late at night. They just sit there. Waiting. Do they get bored and play elevator chess in their heads? I doubt it. I don't think they get along. Wouldn't that suck. They don't sleep. If they do I wake them up in the morning and you'd think they'd really hate me.
If you've ever tangled with the right elevator then you know how dangerous it can be. It's all about getting that door shut. It's the elevator I prefer actually cause it gets you there faster. It's even more violent with its stops. It does like to dip a little sometimes when you step in. Fun.
Once in Canada I stayed in a hotel that had 6 elevators in it. Thats half a jury. Imagine the shit that must go on between them. Well I only think of them because one of those elevators was closed and didn't work at all. I don't know if they staff was just lying to stupid Americans (us and er well... me), but they said that a man had been decapitated in elevator #3 and so they don't use it anymore. Why? Out of respect for the dead? If I get chopped up in an elevator please just call the maintenancecrew to clean me out of it and continue to use it at your own risk. Are they scared of elevator #3? I don't think these people are afraid of anything. I have no idea why they would close it down. I thought maybe it had happened last week and they were waiting for that "aroma" to clear but, no. It had been over 10 years. So while we were checking out I was waiting for one of the other lazy fucking elevators to come and I started hoping that the deadly elevator would open. Would I get in? fuck ya. What are the odds that 2 mutherfuckers would get their head cut off in the same way? I would be totally in there. You know what would be funny would be to do the bit where you hike your coat up over your head and button it then come out of the elevator with that Frankenstein walk going on... ok no that would be... wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Unlike this post... which isn't funny... just wrong.
posted by J.R. at 8:04 AM
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