Oh I've been in the field

It was Friday morning. It was a cold and crisp foggy day. Danger was in the air.

What kind of danger you ask? 2nd grade danger. That's just below 1st grade danger which is of utmost concern. 2nd grade danger was abound. I knew where I was going and I knew of the perils that lay before me.

It was a field trip... with ... 23 2nd graders. yes that my friend is 2nd grade danger. I had been down this road before to the zoo a couple of years ago. It took that long for me to heal up enough to go again. 2nd Grade danger comes in many forms. This was a visit to the Pacific Science Center. We got to ride the bus.

They say that things look smaller when you get older. Like you go to you home town and see your old house and your old yard from when you were six the usual reaction is, "Bloody Hell! What happened to my yard?" (well if you're in the UK in the US it's, "fuck me! What happened to my yard?" Happy to translate for my fellow Americans). Well this bus looked big to me. Really big. It was fuckin' huge. As I recall my bus was tiny. A Short bus even. (Did you fall for that setup? I thought not)

So we're riding to the field trip and my group is very small. My daughter sam who can't quite ever close her mouth. I found out through my field research that is in fact very typical of a second grader in that class. They all seemed to have that 'issue' (note to self mention electro shock talk therapy to 2nd grade teacher... or not)

Well the other little girl who was in our group must have very nice parents because she is a very nice little girl. They can't spell however which is too bad for her because the stuck a stray K in her name. We'll call her "not moniKa". K?

OK so Not Monika was telling me about how bad car theft is and how her aunt bought a special thing to keep her car from getting stolen. I thought maybe it was a club because I heard steering wheel a few times as she went on and on about this device. She then went through the sequence to enable the device:

1. turn the key
2. move the steering wheel (I doubt this is really a step, but she is in 2nd grade)
3. blow into the tube so the car "knows it's you"

precious, no?

After going over the effects of alcohol on the driving experience with her.... no no I'm kidding I just smiled and said something akin to, "interesting" and moved on.

Now we were loose in the science center. We did all kinds of hands on stuff and it was great. We had to go see "beavers" the IMAX movie. I thought cool a scheduled nap for me. Uh no.

no.

so ... NO.

Once we settle in I can smell that one god damn parent has violated the "don't buy anything for anyone at anytime rule and bought his group popcorn" bloody hell. (yes for those of us who are American WTF works nicely here).

I had to deny many requests for popcorn at that point. I wanted to say, well your teacher is going to cut that guys balls off when we get back to the room and put them on a steak outside room 41. But I didn't. I just kept saying, "no we can't violate your teacher's rule or she will (you guessed it) cut my balls off and put them on a steak outside of room 41".

So beavers. Ya I know what you're thinking. Beaver also means... Well you know... so I was worried that some of the 2nd graders would know this. Oddly enough there wasn't a single snicker (other than myself) when the title of the film came up in big letters on the screen. I then went onto to explain to the kids around me that beaver is another word for pussy. They got it. OK no didn't. I used the word 'vagina'". Well fuck, they've played HALO and seen the matrix why they hell not?

The film itself was amazing. Beavers can cut down a shit load of trees. By shit load I mean 400 in a year. Yes that's a lot of ... trees. Sorry my mind drifted.

Also beavers never shut up. They make this sound. Like a little kid whining. (No it wasn't all the 2nd graders it was the fucking beavers) Do you think I can take a nap with that shit going on? Well I tried then the fuckers hit the water with their tail and woke me up and don't get me started on the bear. So no sleep. Then the beavers started to fuck. I can say fuck because I'm not in 2nd grade. I might have on retrospect said in 2nd grade too, but whatever I went to private school where you can go to confession. ok no I didn't confess anything. Deny deny deny.

Kid next to me says, "they are fighting" another kid goes, "no they are dancing" and Sam goes, "That's kissing". I wanted to say... never mind. So there is some interesting physics here. The beavers have big ass flat tails that ... Well I guess they would get in the way. So they (in this particular beaver porno) fucked face to face standing up... Let that sink in for a min. And no they didn't stop making that noise. They had little beavers and yes they all fucking make the noise together.

OK then we had lunch. One single seagull attack. Nothing much to mention. Not Monika didn't bleed very much. no no, no children were harmed in the forming of this blog entry.

More science center and then back on the bus. On the bus I got directions to Not Monika's church... 5 or 6 times. Her directions are akin to, "you go to the street by school then up the cul-de-sac and the house that was for sale last month, that one is where we live." so ya...

I was really fucking tired when I got home. Not like beaver fucking, but really fucking tired.