Bless you
ok no not really. I had a sneezing fit to beat the band today. What does that mean "beat the band?" I mean really can I possibly sneeze enough to beat off an entire band? Also a band of what? Units people. Jeezus. OK so I sneezed. Why did I sneeze?
Warning: this is a little trip inside my head...
Well I don't really have allergies anymore and I'm not sick (Knock on wood. Well no don't I don't believe in that shit either.) I am a photo sneezer. You don't believe me, do you? Well good be a skeptic, it's sexy. It means that sneeze when the light hits me just right. You know like in raiders of the lost ark with the stick and that artifact that burned the shit out of the scary nazi mutherfucker? The light hits me just right and I sneeze the number of paces to find some treasure. OK that's just silly. I sneeze when the light goes from dim to bright. I sneeze like a mutherfucker. Multiple times. Sometimes I count them.
You might be asking yourself (or me) why the fuck do you count your sneezes? I count them because I can. You're all, "ya so?" but next time you start coughing tell me how many times did you cough? We don't have a good way to count that now do we? I mean is it one breath that leads to a single cough or each time you go and make that cough sound (how the fuck do you spell that. I mean a sneeze is a sneeze a-choo. What the fuck is a cough). Do you get my point? You can have a coughing fit and then turn around and say, "Wow I coughed 7 times that time and my gut really fucking hurts now owch."
My premise for this whole post is you can count sneezes but you can't count other bodily spasms such as coughs or yawns. Do you believe me? No? Good. Skeptics are hot.
So if you can count them you can add them. So when you're born you might sneeze 3 times the first day. Actually I'm not really into early childhood development so I really don't know if a newborn can even get their shit together enough to sneeze. Tammy brings up the fact that maybe you can sneeze before you are born, but I'm not going there because it fucks up the math a little bit.
So from day one you sneezed. Then you sneezed some more. No one was counting. Why weren't they counting? Because that would be even stupider than me. Nobody is going to follow you around and count your sneezes. As a baby even if you can get your shit together enough to sneeze you sure as fuck don't have your shit together enough to count it.
So you've sneezed n times. I bet you I've sneezed a different amount than you. Could I ever collect on that bet? nope. NO clue. I have no idea how many times you've sneeze and you (and everybody else) has no clue how often I've sneezed. I sure as fuck don't know.
I do know one thing. It's either an odd number or an even number. One or the other. Why do I know this? Because you can count them. They are discreet. Either you sneezed or you didn't. So it's either odd or it's even. If I sneeze one time, I know it either just became odd or just became even. I know it changed. Seconds ago my sneeze count was either odd or even and now that I've come around the corner and saw the sun and sneezed exactly 17 times it's now the opposite of what it was before. Odd or even...
odd.
Warning: this is a little trip inside my head...
Well I don't really have allergies anymore and I'm not sick (Knock on wood. Well no don't I don't believe in that shit either.) I am a photo sneezer. You don't believe me, do you? Well good be a skeptic, it's sexy. It means that sneeze when the light hits me just right. You know like in raiders of the lost ark with the stick and that artifact that burned the shit out of the scary nazi mutherfucker? The light hits me just right and I sneeze the number of paces to find some treasure. OK that's just silly. I sneeze when the light goes from dim to bright. I sneeze like a mutherfucker. Multiple times. Sometimes I count them.
You might be asking yourself (or me) why the fuck do you count your sneezes? I count them because I can. You're all, "ya so?" but next time you start coughing tell me how many times did you cough? We don't have a good way to count that now do we? I mean is it one breath that leads to a single cough or each time you go and make that cough sound (how the fuck do you spell that. I mean a sneeze is a sneeze a-choo. What the fuck is a cough). Do you get my point? You can have a coughing fit and then turn around and say, "Wow I coughed 7 times that time and my gut really fucking hurts now owch."
My premise for this whole post is you can count sneezes but you can't count other bodily spasms such as coughs or yawns. Do you believe me? No? Good. Skeptics are hot.
So if you can count them you can add them. So when you're born you might sneeze 3 times the first day. Actually I'm not really into early childhood development so I really don't know if a newborn can even get their shit together enough to sneeze. Tammy brings up the fact that maybe you can sneeze before you are born, but I'm not going there because it fucks up the math a little bit.
So from day one you sneezed. Then you sneezed some more. No one was counting. Why weren't they counting? Because that would be even stupider than me. Nobody is going to follow you around and count your sneezes. As a baby even if you can get your shit together enough to sneeze you sure as fuck don't have your shit together enough to count it.
So you've sneezed n times. I bet you I've sneezed a different amount than you. Could I ever collect on that bet? nope. NO clue. I have no idea how many times you've sneeze and you (and everybody else) has no clue how often I've sneezed. I sure as fuck don't know.
I do know one thing. It's either an odd number or an even number. One or the other. Why do I know this? Because you can count them. They are discreet. Either you sneezed or you didn't. So it's either odd or it's even. If I sneeze one time, I know it either just became odd or just became even. I know it changed. Seconds ago my sneeze count was either odd or even and now that I've come around the corner and saw the sun and sneezed exactly 17 times it's now the opposite of what it was before. Odd or even...
odd.
posted by J.R. at 9:02 PM
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