Corn and salt

On Friday I needed a snack. I was doing an interview and I absolutely don't want to do an interview hungry. It's not fair to the candidate and I just sit there looking at the clock waiting for lunch. Lunch was going to be an hour late so I needed a snack. I know I could have just said I was hungry, but you wouldn't know why a snack was so god damn urgent.

So I went to see the usual places where there was candy. Nada. I don't normally eat candy that much in the hall, but I had an interview coming up and I needed a snack, OK? shut up.

So onto the machine. I didn't need a snack so bad I was going to walk to the cafe. I mean shit I just wanted some candy or better yet... fritos. There they were A-5 for $ 0.85. Eighty Five CENTS. Pure joy and no MSG. Don't get me fucking started on MSG. Doritos are just right out. (although yes they taste a shit load better)

I've got 3 fivers (for you who are from the UK) and no single and certainly don't have 85 cents in change. So OK I'll deal with the onslaught of quarters. I put old Abe in. What a guy? He freed the slaves and was going to get me my beautiful fritos.

Machine's little motor wouldn't take Abe. Abe was genuine! Machine wouldn't even try.

So I do the thing where you flatten the bill (It was pretty new) I know this was likely not very comfortable for Abe (I think there is a really bad joke about a play there that I'll skip for your sake) but he kept smiling.

The motor whirred... oh yes Abe bye bye... hello FREEEE-TOES

The machine tells me 5.00 ok it knows Abe now. We're all good. So I punch A then 5... A 5 and what happens? Did I get my Freetoos? (OK ya I wouldn't be writing this if I had right?) NOPE.

The fucking machine shot Abe out onto the floor. That's a president you're spitting out there and you know who it is you fucking machine you said 5.00. It has the nerve to say to me with it pretty blue LED's "Have a Nice Day". um what? It would be a nice day if you would give me my fucking snack.

Put Abe back in. Ready for corn chip goodness and the onslaught of quarters. A...5... fuck you. Have a nice day my ass. It shot Abe across the kitchen, like that shit is funny. I hear you laughing... I was hacked.

So this guy who is a co worker and we'll protect his privacy by calling him "not Guy" suggests I go to another floor and try again.

Sweet. Down the stairs and to floor one.

What do I get? Have a nice day. No fucking fritos. Same shit... Takes Abe. Tells me it's a fiver. When I go for the goods it spits it back at me with some serious force.

FUCK OFF machine.

OK poor interview candidate has to deal with me in a cranky state.

On my way back. I talk to another dude, we'll call him "not jitesh". Not Jitesh suggests I try a single instead and then helpfully gives me change for my fiver.

Bye bye Abe. Hello George.

Seems the machine doesn't like presidents at all. Have a nice day.

So now I can use the CHANGE machine. OK people now I have 4 metal Georges in place of just one paper one. What a deal?

4 quarters later I have me some FREEEE TOS in my hot hands. (No ladies, They aren't "hot little hands" at all for the record)

So now I have corn and salt goodness. Let me tell you the ingredients for Fritos are:

Corn, Corn oil (um where did the oil come from?) and SALT.

Some guy presumably named "fri" sat in a room with corn and salt and invented the joy that is known as fritos. He hooked up with a guy name "lay" and now we have chips and snacks of goodness. No preservatives (unless you count the salt) no artificial nothing just corn, corn oil and salt.

You got your fat, your carb and well... salt.

boo ya.

*No presidents or likenesses of them were harmed in the creation of this blog post.