Kinky FedEx

disclaimer: This post doesn't really go anywhere. So let's lower your expectations right now, k?

So Kinko's and FedEx have stores in the sample place now. There is one in Lynnwood that has converted a Kinko's into a FedEx Kinko's. The problem is their sign doesn't work quite right. What you get is "FedExKink s"

I've heard of differnt fetishes. But I've never heard of this one. A fedex kink. What you're really 'into' bubble wrap? Maybe those mailing tubes really get you going. Don't get me wrong I'm into respecting other people 'likes and dislikes' but a kink surrounding overnight package delivery. Maybe the whole 'delivery person' fantasy, but have you seen thier uniforms? I mean really they make the postal workers look hot... (OK... NOT, but that was funny) I mean those pleated shorts... my god I can't control myself...

Maybe you just like rapid delivery. Get the package... move the package... deliver the package. Deliver. DELIVER.

Maybe you just really like a garantee that you'll get it before noon on saturday.

Tracking might be imporant to you. Knowing exactly where it is when it's on it's way to you.

Hell, maybe you just like to sign for it.

FedEx Kink: "When it absolutly positively has to be there... overnight"

teeny phone gonna die

My phone has the new habit of turning off. If I set it on a table and just watch it, it won't turn off. If I take it places or talk on it (the whole cell part of cell phone is that you get to move around *and* talk.) then it will shut off.

See that's not cool.

So what am I gonna do about it?

Get a new one of those!

OK I love this geek shit

let x=1
x^2=1*1
x^2=1
x^2=x
x^2-1=x-1
(x-1)(x+1)=(x-1)
Now cancel both (x-1)'s
x+1=1
1+1=1
2=1

Oh such a contradiction.

We went to math night last night at school. I put this on the whiteboard. It's one of my favorite math puzzles. What line above breaks a simple rule of algebra?

The best search string ever...

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=elevator+fucking&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&x=wrt

I'm sorry this person was likely very disappointed in the fact that I talk about elevators and use the word "fucking" but I don't talk about elevator fucking.

Now I'm really gonna hit the indexes with that phrase.... boo ya.

iPod ... iPool

I went and shot pool by myself last night. I call it Atheist Church.

I like that with pool you get what is as close to classic ideal Newtonian physics as is possible for $3/hour. OK it was more than 3 bucks because it was past the cheap time. I got there after 8:00pm. I don't get spiritual but when that ball just barely gets to the pocket and falls in, it's close. Nothing magic. Nothing mysterious. Just the physics of elastic collisions.

The night didn't start off so good because I thought I had my cue in the back of the Beetle. Um No. Not there. There was me in the parking lot of the pool hall/bar saying fuck a few times. I was blending. It's key to blend in these places. Key. I'm saying it's a survival tactic people. I was pissed.

When I got the table the girl had more metal on her face than I have braces in my mouth. If I was younger she would have been a chick, but she's a girl. I'm getting old. So when you get that much metal do you like plan out the whole thing? Do they have piercing consultants who go you know the 38 caliber plug in your right ear is kinda gonna clash with the lip/tongue stud combo you got going on. It'll make them look too small compared to the ear. Or do you just punch holes at random. Don't get me wrong I'm all for people putting holes in their body wherever they want and it doesn't look bad. But at what point do you start thinking that there is more metal than face? When do you worry about magnetic radiation pulling your face apart? I dunno.

What the fuck happened to music?

The music sucked. Some kids kept playing the juke box and it was all really bad versions (modern I take it) of old songs that were at one time good. When a remake of stair way to heaven came on (come on people it's a POOL HALL!), I had to get the iPod out. I was shooting pool with my head phones on. It rocked. I was on FIRE. For me. I mean I don't play well but I can cut a ball in if it's not too tricky and requires no English. Sometimes I can get a draw on the ball. Sometimes I go for draw and get jump, which if you get a lot of jump you have to go running across the pool hall to pick up the damn ball. I never try for jump. Never. That's not blending. I was really in my own little world. Me, the music, the stick and the balls. I played my original mix known as CMF. I skipped some songs that weren't loud enough to drown out the idiocy.

So then I looked up and I saw this old man. Actually I just saw his face. He was staring right at me. Scared the fuck out of me. I mean I didn't jump or anything. Ya I'm cool. I'm blending. OK holy fuck a character out of a Stephen king book is right here starting at me with these intense old eyes. You know what I'm talking about. (I'm reminded of Greg Kinnear in Mystery Men talking to Ricky Jay (who played the publicist) when he said, "Casanova Frankenstein... now that was a villen and he had that thing with the eyes.... I can't do it... but...) So the old man looked at me. Right the fuck at me. Ever have a stranger look right at you like that. He wasn't smiling. I wondered if my music was bugging him. OK I'm done blending people. He had a dark blue baseball cap on and dark blue vest. He sorta looked pissed. I think I stopped blending right then.

I took out my ear phones and looked back at him trying to muster enough of a quizzical look that he might speak. I've never had anybody watch me like that. Ever for anything. OK the dog stares at me like that sometimes, but never a person. He looked at me. I approached him. Maybe I was back to blending, maybe not. I don't know the pool hall etiquette when a crazy looking mutherfucker is like totally staring you down. I walked right up and took out my head phone.

me: "ya?"
Crazy looking old man: ...nothing...
me: "Can I help you with something?"
Crazy looking old man (CLOM for short from now on): "You want a game?"
me: "uh"
CLOM: "just one game?"
me: "This is my last rack, I'm out of gas, but thank you anyways."
CLOM: "oh come on, just one game... For five bucks."
me: "uh" (no longer blending) "no thanks, I'm headed out"

Now I had 3 balls on the table. I dropped one then then other. He continued to stare. Yes the fucker managed to scare me again! I got a bit freaked and chased the last ball around the table missing and missing. Dude left. I dropped the ball. I left.

All in all a good night. I stank but that's the price you pay for going to a smokey place to blend.

What is today?

Today is U2 day. Starting off with "Summer Rain" from "7"...

You Know...

My birthday is coming up... I don't really have a wish list, but my friend Tom pointed this out to me. Click on the "engraved" cups. I don't need gold, just the sterling will do nicely.

It might take...

It might take a village to raise a child.

It might take a bazillion mythical man months of a decade to put two guys on the moon. (If you were going to the moon wouldn't you want to take a date, not a guy name "Buzz"... I'm just saying.)

It might take 2 rovers to explore that rock that is known as mars. (Let's hear it for them huh still going. Fuck that pink bunny this is science baby!)

But it only takes one idiot to bust my blog block.

So I will be auditioning idiots to break my blog block. If you think you can be that idiot for me, If you can be just that stupid. Yes this implies you must be stupider than me so you might want to peruse the blog a little bit and see what you're up against. I mean really people I can do some stupid shit. I'm occasionally ignorant. Read occasionally as "most of the time." Nothing takes the cake of my stupid like getting my braces put on on the morning of my birthday. So if you want how about a comment telling me why you should be the next stupid person I write about?

Ya usually I can sit down to write and think about the last idiot I dealt with and I get something, but the world just got smarter I guess and I haven't been in best buy as of late.... Maybe I'm just so lazy I need the idiots to come to me?

I have blog block

That is all...

When you say, "Dude, I'm sorry, what?"

So I was riding with my friend Randy. Randy is a great guy. Nicest guy ever and a magician and magic collector. To protect his anonymity we'll from here on out call him (no not "not Randy") Randy F.. (The first period is for his abbreviated last name and the second one is to end the sentence, right?) He says Dude a lot and he's a really great guy. Dude.

So he doesn't live around here anymore he lives in "Not Boston." I call it "Not Boston" because he doesn't live in Boston. He lives near there. Thus he doesn't live near here. So, what is my point? oh yes: I don't see him very often. Dude let's get together.

We were doing carry out dinner for everyone and he and I were riding in his rental car. We were headed for Thai food. See I told you they don't live around here so they don't get good Thai food. We're in the car and I mention (what else? I mean I am obsessed, seriously I am) my blog. I mean I blather on about it here all the time and this is a tiny reflection of my real world so you can imagine how annoying it is to be around me when I get onto bloggin blah blah. Tammy has been knows to cover my mouth with her hand in a subtle hint that I've sucked the life out of every one at the table rambling on and on about this mostly pointless blog. Dude. So how could I not mention it? I don't even remember the context in which I was speaking. I mean I can twist anything around and get to my blog, it's a super power I have. Oh you want to talk about hot pretzels in New York city? Well I posted about the salt that they use in ball parks around the country to make those pretzels taste so... blah blah blog. You get the idea. There is like a shot clock in my head that counts down from 30 and every 30 seconds either someone on my blog my blog or someone I blogged about will come out of my mouth. Fun at meetings. So he stops me. (As I'm sure you realize that most people do.)

He stops me. Oh wait. I missed a major point. The one point that will make my "moment" make sense to you. Dude I forgot to set this up right.

Randy invented one of the most commonly used HTML editors out there. One of the very first WYSIWYG editors for html that was every created. When I was working for the company I was working for at the time bought it he became part of that company. Invented people. The guy. He's the guy. He was a major player in the internet. Maybe even more major than Al Gore. (Christ on a cracker now people are gonna google for Al Gore and some other weird word like ButtMunch and get this page. Man will that be funny or what? I hate when that happens. Dude)

Major player. I mean MAJOR player people. Industry wide. He's the Dude of the internet.

So I say blog and he stops me.

He stops me dead in my tracks with, "Dude... I gotta ask you... What is a blog?"

I was speechless. It's very rare but there it was.

I was all, "I'm sorry, what?"

I explained. I gave the executive summary of blogs and how the technology and tools work. I gave the example of how I used his very tool to write my own first blog. I didn't know it was blogging at the time but that's what I was doing. I explained how I use Blogger and how easy it is to create a blog and he should consider a blog. I would read it every day I'm sure!

Dude.

iPodless music Parasite

So I was hoping Mo (see side bar) would have his iTunes machine on this morning when I pulled in without the iPod so I could glom onto him.

Ya... no.

So through the magic of iTunes I'm listening to a stranger's music. I don't know who's music it is the name of the machine doesn't give it away.

I'm guessing this person and I would maybe get along... maybe...

if we didn't talk about or listen to music.

I don't think the elevators get along.

The following has been exaggerated for effect and my own personal amusement.

So we have two elevators in this building. I will call them the left and the right. Since some (read most) of my readers work in this building, (I just go around and browse their machines to my blog so they are forced to read it when they get back from lunch.) I need to be clear which elevator is which. It might seem at first that calling them the left and the right elevator is ambiguous and you're right it is. So let's say, "button left" and, "button right." Alert readers are mumbling right now "Which fucking button you a-hole?!?"

I calmly respond, "The button you use to 'call' the elevator."

Call the elevator? I guess that's correct but it sounds like you're saying "here elevator... come here boy... come on... up to 2... good elevator." Maybe we should say, "signal the elevator." I just don't know.

Unless you're calling the bad elevator, but we'll get to that in a second. First we need to establish that when you are pushing the button before either elevator has opened the way most people are facing at that point has a left and a right. Left elevator is on that person's left and right elevator is on that person's right. Unless that person(s) (or maybe you) like to press the button with their ass then please reverse the right and left for button right and button left.

So the good elevator is on my left when I press the button and the bad elevator is on the right. How can I tell? Oh I know.

Is it because the bad elevator is actually farther and causes me to walk more no matter which way I'm going? no. Is it because of their aroma or odor (depending on which one you're in.) no.

Have you noticed that people you like have an aroma and people you hate just smell? Some people just walk around with a look on their face like they have something that smells bad lodged directly in the nose. I guess maybe their snot smells bad. Imagine that for a second if your snot smelled bad... ya sorry.

Is it their decor? Nope they are exactly the same.

One is simply evil and the other is a very caring elevator. I noticed this over the last couple of days. I took the bad elevator back from lunch 2 days ago and it wanted to take my leg off as I crossed the threshold into it. It bites. The other one this morning made itself known to me as the good elevator by after I was safely in and pressed the button it closed maybe 3 inches and then snapped back open with such force as if it were afraid it was going to hurt me. I pressed the closed door and cursed at it. Why would I curse at an inanimate object? (That was totally rhetorical because I've been personofying the damn things since the title of the post... see?)

So I started thinking about the conversations the elevators would have if the elevators could talk to each other. I honestly don't speak elevator so the below is pure conjecture on my part. K?
Right: "oh some fucker is calling up on 3 you go get him."
Left: "You're closer! He'll get to the garage faster if you go"
Right: "Ya OK. fine I'll go get the fucker, but I'm gonna bite him this time."
Left: "no wait...don't hurt him. that guy is nice he never pushes the button 50 times when in a hurry"
Right: "Ya fuck you I'm there, I'm sure I'll get his toe this time!"

And so on.

What about late at night. They just sit there. Waiting. Do they get bored and play elevator chess in their heads? I doubt it. I don't think they get along. Wouldn't that suck. They don't sleep. If they do I wake them up in the morning and you'd think they'd really hate me.

If you've ever tangled with the right elevator then you know how dangerous it can be. It's all about getting that door shut. It's the elevator I prefer actually cause it gets you there faster. It's even more violent with its stops. It does like to dip a little sometimes when you step in. Fun.

Once in Canada I stayed in a hotel that had 6 elevators in it. Thats half a jury. Imagine the shit that must go on between them. Well I only think of them because one of those elevators was closed and didn't work at all. I don't know if they staff was just lying to stupid Americans (us and er well... me), but they said that a man had been decapitated in elevator #3 and so they don't use it anymore. Why? Out of respect for the dead? If I get chopped up in an elevator please just call the maintenancecrew to clean me out of it and continue to use it at your own risk. Are they scared of elevator #3? I don't think these people are afraid of anything. I have no idea why they would close it down. I thought maybe it had happened last week and they were waiting for that "aroma" to clear but, no. It had been over 10 years. So while we were checking out I was waiting for one of the other lazy fucking elevators to come and I started hoping that the deadly elevator would open. Would I get in? fuck ya. What are the odds that 2 mutherfuckers would get their head cut off in the same way? I would be totally in there. You know what would be funny would be to do the bit where you hike your coat up over your head and button it then come out of the elevator with that Frankenstein walk going on... ok no that would be... wrong. Funny, but wrong.

Unlike this post... which isn't funny... just wrong.

Welcome Belarus

I'm happy to report that someone from a country I haven't heard of, Belarus, clicked through today.

So I was all American with the, "Where is that? I don't know geography because I went to public school in Ohio."

So a little research told me that it's here.

So welcome!

(Yes I'm still a dork and yes I'm really bad at geography even in my own country.)

I was late to work this morning

No it wasn't a Devil Went Down to Georgia morning. No sir. I got up fine but a little a late. I wasn't in a rush though. I'm at work late tonight anyway.

No no.

I was late because well I missed my exit.

Stupid? Yes.

Well see the thing is there was this bus. It got on the merge before my exit and I drive a Beetle and I tried to be all, "ok big ass bus I need over too so get the f... OH? you want in this lane? Well Mr. Bus driver why don't I get just get my little beetle the fuck out of your way, shall I? I'll just hop over a lane the other way. K? ok phew not killed. Not Killed by a bus that wouldn't even hear me die is good... phew..."

Then I was all, "Crap that was my fucking exit." So I had to go down to the park and drive up the hill on the surface streets. I treated it like the interstate though until I realized I was doing 65 in a 35 and even I slowed the fuck down. I slipped a little turning onto work's property but that was just fun. Into the garage... "What speed bump? Fuck you!"... "oh owch. That speed bump... "

So I was a tad late... I guess next time it'll be, "... he was in a bind he was way behind and he was willing to make a deal!"

Happy Birthday Jill!

I made her a blog for her birthday! She's 21 today.

Here it is. Right now it's blank. She'll fix that... Won't you Jill?

I get up early

I get up early then listen to my iPod because nobody comes to work but me at 6:00.

Nobody leaves at 3:30-4:00 like me either. So you gotta take the bad with the good I guess.

It's dark in the freaking morning now. I must be softening with age because I was reading some of my old blogs like This one. I would have said, "It's dark in the fucking morning!"

I had a fucking mouth on me. Jeesus christ on a cracker I was so fucking foul mouthed.

I'm so FFM (Fucking Foul Mouth) (um yes I realize that's an abbreviation for something else too. If you don't get it, just ignore this parenthetical.) I was saying I'm so fucking foul mouthed that Mr. Bander that apparently google ads will not be allowed on my page. You'd think they would do some of the privacy inavding (now they really won't let me have ads) contexte sensitive ads that are related to whatever I'm ranting about. Obviously my readers are not offended by words. (If they are they can go fuck themselves with a blow torch. Did I just say that? Anyway)

It's dark in the fucking morning and it was fucking raining. Big ass surprise. I mean really Seattle's east side. One of my friends is quick to point out that I don't live in Seattle but rather on the "East Side" as if it's something you step in not somewhere you might live. Jeezus it isn't fucking Michigan for christ sake. (Was that offensive? Well to people who live in Michigan... good.)

It was dark and it rained.

See how boring that is?

Compare to:

Jeezus fuck it was dark this morning and god damn was it fucking raining or WHAT?

much better.

Did I say anthing? No. Was I offensive? Yes. Mission accomplished!

Message in a blogger........

Dear blog folks. When someone comments on my blog please include a link to the post in the email. I'm just not smart enough to figure out where they are.

Also while we're at it the blogger bar is very attractive and yes the next and prev buttons would generate random hits, but what I really want is a tag to put a "search just my blog" field there.

Help?

So is this a good idea?

I missed dinner last night and I'm starving. I don't have a dollar to drop on a snack and I'm just too fucking lazy to go to the cafe. So I'm in a little mood.

I probably shouldn't be playing Pink Floyd, right?

Well I am. So if I'm found in a puddle of self pity in my office you know to look to my iPod for the cause...

I just picked Floyd at random, it's not like I am depressed. Course after Garden State, The Wall seems kinda.. up beat.

OK I cracked myself up. That's always a good thing.

Improv videographer....

So I'm minding my own business. I always do that. I mind my business. I swear. I wasn't doing nothing to nobody. No sir.

I went to see Max's class put on an assembly in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (Incidentally: Was Sr. a Dr. too? Do you lose your Jr. if you add a Dr. onto the front and you father only had his masters degree? oh Higher education and stupid names. Here's another little tip while I'm in the parenthetical. Don't fucking be funny when you name your kid. OK? No NO NO. No funny. I mean no crazy spellings. Don't let mom fill out the birth certificate if she was hopped up on the latest pharma... pharm.. oh fuck it: DRUGS. You get spellings like Sheeelaaa etc. Please no jokes with the names and at least be creative enough to move it around you don't have to tack a damn Jr. on the end. Take it from *me* Mr. Jerry Ralph Hughson Jr. (Yes Ralph Shut up, k?) Always known as J.R.. Do you think the Jr. at the end of my name is no problem? Well you're wrong or on some of those pharmaceuticals. If I became Dr. Jerry R. Hughson does that mean I get to drop the Jr.? What would happen if my Dad then went to night school (or the internet) and got his PhD in pharmacology do I have to put the Jr. back? Fuck I dunno I'm done.)

I was minding my own fucking business. I had my camcorder. Mistake #2 (Numero uno being that I was minding my own fucking business.) Well someone had to tape the whole thing. So I agreed to it (#3 for those of you playing along at home). In fact I really don't mind the teacher asking. I don't mind doing it. I just hate people.

I hate stupid people. I hate stupid fucking thoughtless people who don't even give a rats ass about their own children. That fires me up.

Now I've set the stage. I'm trying to video the whole fucking presentation (not just my kid's part) for the class and now more than just my (Jr. Naming that is) relatives. I've got responsibility. I was minding my own business now I've got to worry about other people's shit. doh.

I don't have a tripod. His teacher offered but there really wasn't time. So I had to do the steady cam thing with my arms (which are still sore) but I am not complaining. Not about that. I'm getting to it.

When they did the speech part. That's the best part in my mind right? My kid has lines that he by the way rocked on. Clear, outspoken, projection of his portion of the speech. He did have some god reference which made me flinch a bit, but it's historic and important so I swallowed it. I had already asked max if he was comfortable with it and he said he was so so be it. Anyways.

This BITCH. Oops I'm getting ahead of myself.

The teacher had put the parents in the back. But when I moved to video the speech a lady (I use the term not loosely... Incorrectly is more like it.) had put her 3 seat stroller covering the door. I had to get there to get the angle the teacher asked for so I was next to it. I was leaned over a bit and not comfortable. Her littlest started making some noise. OK I get it. That's ok. She picked him or her (no idea I was busy videoing "I have a dream") and right next to me is doing the baby bounce thing you gotta do to keep them quiet sometimes. OK again no problem.

Then it started.

The middle kid had a call to nature and the child appropriately voiced her need. "I gotta go" (Now this is not potty humor. There is nothing funny about her having to go.) The response "not now" shot back. Well the little girl's bladder didn't agree so repeated her need. Now this conversation is happening on my mic and I can't move. They are on either side of me talking to each other through me. I gotta go. No. Gotta GO. No. I GOTTA go POTTY. NOT YET. (My digital video camera catching each and every word) NOW I GOTTA go. This goes on and on. We had Jews and Gentiles sitting down at the table of brotherhood and a need to go potty and a mother flatly refusing to take her. Excuse me? Take the fucking kid to the bathroom can't you tell she's in pain you pathetic piece of shit? (I realize this isn't funny, but I was mad). I shot her a look like "take her already" but she was busy doing the bounce and watching the show. Christ on a Cracker woman I hope this kid pees on you. Course from where I'm standing it's going to be on me not you. Finally. After what seemed like an infinite number of times she finally pulled the stroller out and took the child. I was relieved but now I have a video of it. Joy.

I need to tape it and send it in to school. I'm kinda mortified at the tape. I mean it's bad. I don't want to relive.

It's too bad, but I'm sure that kid will have to relive it at some point soon.

I was just minding my own business.

The best google string EVER

if you google for "incredible incident" you get my incredible hoodie incident...

boo ya.

Things that give me a little boost.

Last night I couldn't do aikido I was just too tired and Tammy wasn't feeling so well. I did join the national organization though. I am still in.

I needed a bit of a boost so I walked for over 2 miles on the treadmill and watched none other than Tape Heads. Which reminds us that it's better to be lucky than smart or talented and it also has the message that, "you do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do."

Another good quote:

Josh Tager: Look, Ivan... I hope you're not putting too much faith in me. I don't even know if I ... Ivan Alexeev: "IF"? Instant Failure! "FEAR" - False Evidence Appearing Real! We've talked about this!


Oh and an unrelated note Max finally came up with the "word" Yup he said it right in the meeting. I then I had to define it for him and use it in sentence. I knew it was coming and I was in a little bit of shock that he got it right. After so many attempts to crack the Davinchi "F word".

Fooch was my favorite. Funk and Funky also came up in his many attempts. Then he remember a friend had said it to him last year and so we know which friend told it to him, but there will be no call to her mom (yes her) or anything. It's just a fucking word people.

I didn't say that to him. I did say that if he said it at school he would be suspended and I would take that time off work to make sure he absolutely no fun on any of those days and then some. If he says it around me it's an automatic 1 hour time out. No books; no toys.

He knew I was serious. The word is also not to be used in any subsequent "meetings" or the same punishment can occur.

ya.

He told me not to tell anyone he learned it. I told him I was gonna post it on the internet. He goes, "Daddy! You're Eeevil."

Yes I'm E-vil Like the De-vil. Mhwhahahaa

In yet antoher unrelated note. I'm a blogger. 90,000 words. Can you freaking believe that? Crazy.

You know what today is?

Today on the iPod in the office is...

"I Love U2" Day.

No this does not suggest that I have any feelings for Bono of any kind carnal or otherwise.

Now The Edge... thats another story. (I'm kidding jeezus! They're very religious.)

search links

OK so I can see what people search for to get to this site.

The most notable one involved none other than Mr. Ron Jeremy.

But the best one involves using a pringle as substrate for EZ Cheese.

Check it!

It's like a tongue twister

but not...

Type "slow" a bunch of times really fast.

If you touch type you'll 'get' it.

Morning Visit

I went to the Dr. Today. I had to have a test. I wanted to get an A so I studied. OK I didn't know what to study so I went into the test cold. It was kinda cold and icy so that seemed appropriate.

After finding out I actually lost weight over the holiday season (to the tune of 10 lbs) I was informed that my temp is normal and my bp is great and I have the pulse of someone in much better shape than me.

She looks at me and says, "What are you here for?" Like duh. Asswhipe you're fine get out and go home. I tell her it's for a test. She asked me to drop my pants. No she didn't ask. I did it anyways. No NO I'm such a lying sack of shit. No pants were dropped at all. I swear. Really.

OK she said, "Do you have any pain?"

How opened ended a question is that? Do you have any pain? Well yes. When I had to give my pet parrot away I was rather sad and emotional since she had bonded me with and even mated with my hand one day so that was some pain for me. A lot flashed through my head to say to her on such a great opening.

I chose the response, "No. I assume you mean physical pain. Not pain that the Buddha would refer us to."

She looked quizzical for a moment then said, "Don't make me think. It's early!"

OK wait a sec tootz. You don't' want to think? I'm up on the table here. I'm trying to get to my test. This is medical care at it's best. I don't want to think. CRAP. Done for.

OK so the Doc comes in. I don't really like the way he shakes hands and he tries the tongue depressed on me. OK I found I really don't like those. So I told him so and he hid it from me behind his back like I'm some little kid. OK I said you won't need it. AHHHHHHHHH. Oh no I don't need it. Look at that. Wow.

OK he didn't exclaim, "wow", but he kept the fucking popsicle stick from hell the fuck out of my mouth so goal #1 was accomplished.

He asked me some questions about my breathing. I told him I like to. It's fun for me to keep doing it. He agreed.

He then had me take what was just like a breathalizer or as close as my sober atheist ass is going to get to it. The nurse (remember the one who didn't want to think?) well she set the machine up. It was about the size of a large remote. She had to push the 4 buttons like 50 times... Each. It was like she had to complete round 7 of SIMON (Remember that game?) before I could proceed. Say it out loud with me... Different tones... beeb beeb... boop..beep...bleep...boop boop... BOOOZZZZZ we lose.

After a bunch of those she looks at me and says. How tall are you? I'm like jeezus I made one crack about the Buddha and now we're insulting my height. I know I'm a short guy. I can deal. Not trying to take over the world or anything. Christ on a cracker. OK I'm 5'4" now.

Three more simon rounds. And then she tells me what I have to do (in her rather thick accent):

"You must take big breath. You must blow it all out through tube. Use all your power."

"All my power", I ask?

"Yes all of your power!"

I so wanted to ask her If I could have some spare power from some super hero. Like the ability to throw forks with deadly accuracy but I figured I was on thin ice.

"All of my power!" I repeated forcefully!

"Yes!", she was getting a little worked up which was scary, "All of your power and don't stop. Let all your air out!"

"OK! All my power!"

She gives me the tube. It has an end on it. I think well shit I'm gonna blow at this thing and it's like a solid tube and then I'm fucked.

I am really afraid I'm gonna piss her off and she's going to give me a random shot or blood test just for the hell of it so I keep my trap shut. Well actually I form my mouth around the tube lest she decide to shove it up my ass. Which I so don't want. And I use all of my power! I don't stop til I cough. All my air..... BAM.

she looks at me, "Sometimes the machine needs a few times."

OK lady I just used all of my power! I'm not Superman here I have to recharge to give that kind of effort again, but no.

She shoves it back in my mouth and I give it my all again.... right as she says, "Sometimes it takes THREE times."

Simon does it's thinking. Sounds like an old Abba song remixed for medical equipment.

She gets up and says, "That did it. Dr. Will be back!"

The Dr. comes in and says I'm normal. Really obviously he wasn't in here when I made reference to silly Buddha related concepts.

He tells me to come back in six weeks and do it again.

I guess I'll have to practice up so I can, "Use all of my POWER!"

Random little things.

the first: Driving in this morning was a little interesting.

2nd: http://www.illusionz.com/magic.html interesting

C: It's an all beatles day starting with "Here Comes the Sun." in my office

IV: a bag of fritos when chewed carefully can be enjoyed for days if you have braces...

Books books books

I love books. I love to read. I even enjoying the dribble that is this blog but some say that's writing but it's really just one really long vowel movement.

I finished Sock by Penn Jillette. OK I haven't read fiction for myself since I tried to read some asimov shit that I hated. I swore off fiction for almost 7 years for myself. I only read kid fiction to the kids. Sometimes I would pre-read kid fiction that was more for teens to make sure Max could handle it. I never just read a book for myself. Not fiction. I thought of it as a waste.

So you can consider me a fictional virgin. (I'll skip the medical analogy that the hymen grows back after a number of years thus rendering me virginal as far as fiction goes).

Sock busted my fiction cherry. It really busted it too. I cried a little bit here and there. I walked around saying "Bad Monkey" a bit. Parts of it hurt. Hurt good. I really loved it all. I'm going to read it again I'm sure. I'm not going to talk about what's in the book. You have to find out for yourself. I will say that the book is great if you've been sick and had a series of antibiotics. (This is not humor I swear.) Sock is perfect if you have the shits because the chapters are so short. There I said it. Not a joke, just true. Did you laugh? Well we know you're a sick fuck. Right?

My writing is more caustic because of it. It doesn't hold back. I won't quote it, but I'm sure it would rated "O". Sock took it right to the edge and then over it. It is total atheism. It's great. I love it. I love Penn for writing it.

Now I will endorse it: BUY Sock by Penn Jillette right now! Now. Do it now. It will shake you.

Before when I finished fiction I wondered what the fuck the point was. Maybe I'm just stupid and it takes someone like Penn to spell it out for me. I need you to speak slowly. I am after all eductated in Ohio. I was also born in Floriday where counting is a problem. I live in Washington now where also we have counting problems.

I knew what the freaking point was. If you agree with him or you don't it doesn't matter because it was also hilarious. I about laughed right off my um...er... seat. ya.

buy the fucking book. Don't hesitate. You might hate it, then you can blame me and that's always fun too.

Sock by Penn Jillette. Buy it.

I'm going to start "fronting" the book in any book store I go to. That is I'll find it and turn it sideways so it's front is facing out to the marks in the store. For those of you who are confused by what I'm saying, I'll provide a photo next time I go into a bookstore and do it. If you won't buy it. (do buy it, don't be stupid don't wait 7 years. buy it) But if you're a stubborn idiot (like myself) at least front the book for me, K?

disclainer: Yes I know penn and yes I love him. If his book sucked I would say so because I respect him that much.

Fuck the HO HO's

I just enjoyed a little debbie snack cake. An oatmeal cream pie.

I'm loyal debbie. From now on I swear my snack cake calories will only be spent on you. That smooth cream filling... that soft chemical induced texture on the outside... pure wonder. Joy.

I shan't stray again for a ho ho or even a king dong... I swear.

(sorry Michelle these belief systems die hard)

Yet another Grill Story

I haven't really been hitting the grill at work for lunch. Today I made an exception and got a grilled cheese sandwich with ham. I like to blog about the grill line because it's people who don't know each other stuck in one spot for a few minutes to interact. With those interactions the possibilities are limitless for anything from mirth to downright nastiness between humans. I love it. All you need is a few strangers, the same guy who works there every day, and some fried food and the potential is amazing.

Today I went early so as to dodge the line for my brown food excursion into the land of tater tots to avoid the strangers. It's not that I don't like them, I do. They do get in the way though. What with them wanting their brown food too. Have you noticed everything that comes from a fryer or a grill is brown... Keep that in mind.

So I interact with the guy. No he's not "The Dude" that was Mr. Lebowsky and a whole neither story.

The guy happens to be a native Spanish speaker. So is his grill sidekick. They were going on and on in Spanish and I had no idea what they were saying. See I had some Spanish in high school but you know what. Mrs. Chav-ASS (as we used to call her. Yes Chav- ASS and yes to her face.) was from Nebraska and I blame my monolingualness right on her. It had nothing to do with the fact that I didn't study or didn't give a shit because how good could I possibly get learning Spanish from a woman who spoke with a mix of Madrid and Midwest accent. Nope not me... Her fault all the way. I take no blame here. None. Zip. OK so the homework was my fault. I mean she wasn't in my house (I'd thank god if I weren't so fucking atheist) so really the homework was on me. Lecture was all her. Her fault. So I don't know Spanish. I could have said that in one sentence, but I ask you this single question, "Had I asked you in one sentence would you be as annoyed with me as you are now?" I thought not.

So I says to them, the guy and his grill side kick, "2 years of high school Spanish a complete waste of time."

So they switch to English. Very nice of them. I was enjoying thinking about Miss Chav-Ass (well no not really enjoying it because I mean as teachers went she was the antithesis of hot. So Now I gotta try and follow them. I mean they are now explaining it to me and so I have to pay attention. I asked for it. I didn't mean to but I did. So I pony up and try. I tried. All I could gather was they hate their boss. OK. I can relate when I worked in the food industry I hated my boss too. (Now the software industry is another story (are you reading this Philip?) I love my boss in the Software industry... love him) So I do what any American would do. I smile and nod at them while they make my food and rant in English that I know is English but I so can't follow either.

So they speak 2 languages and I speak... None. I'm lost. I think to myself "They know I haven't got a clue even in my own native tongue. nada. (see I was paying attention Ms. chavassssss)"

What would you do? I started humming and then singing. Yes nothing makes me 'get up and sing' but if I'm already up and already without a clue might as well right?

so...

Jeremiah was a bullfrog,
he was good friend of mine.
I never understood a single word he said
but I helped him drink his wine.

He always had some mighty fine wine.
Sing it Joy to the world...all the boys and girls now ,
joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea and joy to you and me.

They went on and on. It was lovely and I complimented the sandwich highly (and it was good.)

So I got my sandwich and all was well. I left happy they left happy. Well they didn't leave and they were still bitching about their boss so happy might be the wrong word.

See? The possibilities of fried food are endless...

Me and small electronics...

I posted this on a discussion group about gadget freaks:

You know I fully admit I have a problem always buying gadgets. I buy small electronics whenever I'm really under stress.

A little over a year ago when my sister's husband died and I flew out to be there the stress was amazing. When my Dad saw that I needed out he drove me to best buy. They always greet you at the door. It's like the only thing they do right, but I digress. I said to the worker, "When under stress some people drink. Some people do drugs. I buy small electronics. Where are your PDA's?"

And then there was iPaq.

I won't go into what lead to the iPod... It wasn't pretty.

Shout outs to Dee Dee for the tip on the ease of using colored text on blogger.

not only...

Did I remember my card key. I gots my iPod cranking the tunez too.

Also not funny.

post #2 with no funny.

Funny free.

It's like the no carb diet for laughes. Nada. It's like getting yourself all thin and making a shit load of money on your diet and then slipping on the ice and death. Isn't it ironic?

NO. NO it's not. If he had died of some kind of kidney problem because of his diet then maybe irony would be at play because he was trying to be healthy with his diet and got the exact opposit. But a slippery sidewalk does not irony make in this case my friend. Nor does it make for a funny post. So there.

Not a great start...

I left my card key to work at home. I was cold.

I know it's not funny.

Deonn moved her blog

http://discoderbysmackdown.blogspot.com/

Check it.

Does Amazon know something I don't?

This was on my "My Amazon" page.

HeartStart Defibrillator: A Life-Saving DeviceBe prepared for sudden cardiac arrest with HeartStart. In the crucial minutes when you're waiting for the ambulance, increase the chances of saving a loved one's life with the first heart defibrillator available for home use without a prescription.

Um ya. Tammy said she's trained on them... what is up with the universe?

It's like the maritian rover is...

sniffing it's own butt. Ok that was almost potty humor, but it's kinda true:

http://marsrovers.jpl.nasa.gov/gallery/press/opportunity/20050103a.html

It's investigating it's own ditched heat shield. Yes NASA litering the solar system with new and ususal junk. It would have been funny had they packed some McDonalds cups and fry containers in there to just give Mars that at home on the interstate feeling for the next visitors...

Ya know?

Beautiful morning...

It was a great morning: frost, cold, planets, moon, sunrise, and teeth.

Teeth?

yes teeth. I had the elastics changed and the wire bent and the braces knocked up a notch...

It was 27 degrees when I got out of the orthodonist and I had no coat. I still have no coat, but it's warmer now. See? I'm just kinda stupid. So you know.

It was donuts and flowers....

Max and I went for donuts and flowers and I talked to him about the time when he was 8 he told me how in his words, "you earn a woman."

He didn't remember. That made me a little sad. So I took it upon myself to remind him. I used detail and I brought him back and he brought the words out again. He won't remember amazing things he did as a child. It's one of my jobs to remember them and give them back to him just as he gave them to me. It's a parents responsibility to share with the kids just how amazing they are and were and will be. No excuses people.

He asked me if I had told anybody that story. I uh...well see... I put it on the internet.

He slapped my back (he's big now) and shook his head and said, "Daddy!"

you know...

Garlic bread is a freakin dessert food.

I'm just saying.

I'm going to the church of the atheist today...

I hope.

Ask yourself, "what the hell does JR mean with the church of the atheist stuff?"

k?