people are weird

or are they odd? I see people all the time and I wonder... WTF.

In dog class do these people speak english? I mean the teacher speaks very clearly yet they just don't hear her. They also speak to their dogs like the dog can fucking understand english (apparently better than they can.)

"Swisher... stay"
"Swisher... where are you goin?"
"Swisher... come here'
"Swisher... no" (ah there ya go)
"Swisher... what are you doing?"
"Swisher... no"
"no... no... no..."
"Swisher... no"
"Swisher... stay" (woot)
"Swisher... good boy" (close)
"swisher ... stay"
"Swisher... good stay" (finally)

should have been:

"Padfoot... drop... good drop"
"Stay..."
"good stay..."

"no"
"stay"
"good stay"

Notice how i didn't use his name the whole time?

Anyways I just want to say. Ya the dog is going to answer you moron about where he is going.

"Swisher where are you going?"
"To look up that dog's ass then i'm going to get a dog treat out that big ass jar that girl has and then i'm going to lick my balls, so does that work for you? Is it a win win? Shall we synergize?

anyways ya.

I'm too connected

I had a silicon moment this weekend. I was trying to get everything in sync. My phone (it's new) my hand held (it's not) and every thing.

I'm really debating if I want my work email on my phone. Seems a bit too much. It costs too, but that's not what bugs me about it. It's gotta be the fact that work email will show up then 24x7 to me all the time. Not just when I have WiFi and when I think to check it... nosireeee...

Instead every time I get new mail it'll make a noise. Well no. I'll turn that shit off. I can do that. I am a field expert so that I can do.

I can't answer the fucking mail on that keyboard. There is no fucking way. You know they way you just hit the number for the letter and move on and when it gets a word it guesses... wrong they call it T9. Why? WTF? It's not 9 keys nope there are 12 and it's not that 9 have letters because 8 do... I know:

This Twisted Typing Technology That's Tormenting These Troubled Telephones

(Get it? Nine T's... T9...I so phunny)

So I'm overly connected. What of it? Maybe I will get the data plan. My calendar will stay in sync.

supersize the munchkins?

We let the kids watch... "Supersize ME".

There are 2 shits and one fuck you in it... go figure... i missed them the first time around... Max didn't.

Good thing Sam did. Or she's just more sophisticated that her older brother... I think they sailed over her head. But she sure doesn't want McDonalds as much...

After that we let them watch hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy... what the fuck, right? It was totally fine. More fine than Shrek so I guess we're OK.

Um I'll take the small...

So last night I watched the movie Super Size Me after a home made dinner which wasn't very good for me. (I'm not going to go into it, but needless to say I was experimenting and at the last moment I decided it needed cheese... Don't worry I didn't subject the children to it.)

The movie was really about how big shit is. I mean the sizes of stuff has gone really up. Why do they do that? I mean yes the prices are going up, but the sizes don't really need to. I wonder if they think that because they are making me pay 30 cents more then they need to make the cup bigger. I'm not stupid folks the soda in cup is almost free. The main cost is the CUP. The marginal cost for making a bigger cup is tiny. It's pi*R^2*h (pi-r-square*h) people for the volume of a cylinder. A small increase in the radius of the cup increases the volume quickly. It's the material in the cup. OK so why the fries? I don't know. I guess it has to scale.

You know the fast food companies are stupid on this one. You know a gallon of gas didn't get supersized. The oil companies just charge more and we fucking pay it. Every time. I'm guilty. I admit it. If McDonalds told me ok fucker that small drink is now 2.49 like your gallon of gas i'd go, "OK". Why? Because we're sheep. Another story.

So back to the food. I tell a story about what my diet was like when I was in a state of retirement. When Tammy would be teaching and I'd pick up Samantha from preschool. She'd ask me every time if we could go to McDonalds. She'd look cute and I'd go "OK". It wasn't so much caving as being happy she asked for it because I wanted it too. Sam and I made a game of it. They freaking knew us. They remember us even now. It is a good McDonalds. (oxymoron?)

Lots of times a week we'd drive through. They fucking knew me.

About that time I had a physical. My cholesterol was... um ... high. It wasn't off the chart gonna die high, but it was high. I have another physical scheduled for June so we'll see (yes it's 3 years later) how I'm doing now.

This movie really hit home. The sugar content really surprised me. People know I love coke. I mean the sweet softdrink. It is so sweet.

I'm back to alternating it with water at work. It helped me start to lose weight last time, I just hope this time it will keep me where I am and maybe a little healthier.

I'm getting old. I've degenerated into talking about my health in my blog. When I bring up my trick knee someone slap me, k?

construction

I like to come in early so I have a quiet office for a while. I got in this morning at 6:06.

They are doing work for what I think is the 'design' lab. Likely so it will look cool for the designers.

Lots of noise and talking right over my head. Not like they are talking over my head, well that too because I do believe they are speaking about tools and conduits etc. which is in fact over my head, but they are literally over my head in the dropped ceiling and it's pissing me off.

TMI

Too Much Information.

Thats right what I'm about to disclose is TMI. Too damn much information. If you don't want to know then stop right here. I mean it stop right now.

I don't want you coming up to me and saying something a kin to, "Dude that was not something I wanted to know about you!" or any such thing. I'm warning you now.

Turn back. Don't read on.

I'm serious.

If you come up and complain that I disclosed this little tid bit then I'm going to launch into a tirade of TMI that will make this seem like the nothing that it really is.

OK so stop reading now

Last chance.

No more options.

I mean it.

ok here we go... Highlight the following line with your mouse to see it:

I've switched to boxers.

There it's done. It's out... so there. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Welcome NASA

I got a bunch of hits from someone at NASA yesterday.

Welcome. Drop me a line maybe?

Carpet

So we got new carpet in the building. Exciting? No.

I used to work in this very building way back in 1998 before the turn of the millennium. (I'm practicing telling stories when my teeth aren't one with my head all the time. That is they spend some amount of time in a glass with something that gets really bubbly to clean them. I guess you still have to brush your tongue?)

When we first moved in the carpets in the long halls had this line pattern on them and it went all the way down the hall. Lots of people complained about it making them dizzy. It really fucked with my eyes too. They actually came in and changed it out to a solid color. They left part of the sickening stuff, just to remind us how bad it could be.

Last weekend they changed it out.

I'm sure the list of goals for the new carpet likely looked like this:

• Should be non aesthetic.
• Should be really obvious where the breaks in the squares are.
• Should be unattractive to the eye.
• Should be as sickening as the carpet it's replacing.
• Should be very ugly.
• Should be less comfortable to walk on then before. (As in: it's thinner and less cushy.)
• Should be very very ugly.
• Should have a very bad color combination.
• Should be ugly as sin.

woo hoo mission accomplished!!! That is some shit ugly carpet (as they say in the south)

The only thing that could have been worse is if the carpet actually had clip art embedded in it.

I'd like to buy a vowel

OK I so I put up the reader board at the kid's school. You know the reader board. It's a board you can read. In other words it's a board with fucking letters on it. I call them fucking letters because I always call them the fucking letters. As in, "The fucking 'G' fell behind the fucking tree and now I have to fucking get it."

Fucking letters. See?

So now let's talk about when I put up the fucking letters. I try to do it near the first of the month and I put up the shit for a whole month in fucking letters. This and that. Meetings, crazy events, bingone, and even shit that I would never go to. Make it-Take it (not my punctuation mind you.) Where children (gasp) will make crafty shit for money to give to their loved ones. Why because children can get away with that shit. "Look aunt Rose, it's a pine cone been made to look like a christmas pineapple." What are you going to say to the little elementary kid? Geezus kid not only does this gift suck ass, I have to PUT it somewhere in my HOUSE. OK OK I don't really blame the kids for making gifts suitable only for shoving up hitler's ass on a daily basis. (That's a pineapple like object for those of you who are counting my Adam Sandler references.) It's really the parents fault for going to make it-take it (again not my punctuation) but I'm on a tangent. I think I'll stay for a bit. I got roped into working this event before I knew what it was. I had to help kids make (the words "help and kids" are really superfluous in that last sentence. You figure it out.) snow men made out of rice and white socks and FUCKING HOT GLUE.

Who thought of HOT glue? I want cool refreshing glue. Not HOT GLUE! Why? because Hot glue is HOT. It fucking burns you. Hence the Name HOT. It didn't stick very well either, it just burned me, made the fucking felt noses run (so to speak) and then fell off the god damn rice filled sock. I actually got ill. I shit you not. One mom looked at me said, "OK you've had enough you're going to throw up if you keep this up." She was fucking right. I went outside and when the cool air hit my face I almost yaked right then and there. I still owe her a debt of gratitude for saving me from White sock rice filled hell.

OK tangent over.

I went and did it this weekend. Don't tell me on Monday you want something up. That just pisses me off. I don't appreciate it.

I had to put up, "5/2-6 Staff appreciation Show your support"

That's not the line they sent me it was more like, "This week 5/2-5/2 is teacher and staff appreciation week so take some time to show them your support for all they do this whole year and what your child benefits from and how much we care about them"

Ya ok not only don't I have enough E's for that, even if I did, I don't have the fucking room. OK I exaggerated it wasn't quite that bad, but I did have to edit it down.

OK so I forgot one of the I's in Appreciation. It doesn't really matter which one does it? It was the ion i not the cia one. Don't fuck with the cia one. OK now my blog is getting way more attention that before. I'll start seeing all these government hits and shit. Cool.

So this morning in the cold I had to add an I. It didn't cost my 250 and I didn't have to ask Pat Sajack. (I don't give a fuck who does the initial spin now, it was Pat before and in my my mind it will always be Pat.)

Don't even get my started on Vanna (sp?)

Needs an eBook

I don't want to say why this came up, but I could use an eBook to have on my iPaq. I'd like it to be in Acrobat 6 or so format. Any ideas? I'm reading Lamb in print right now.

I needs a book to have with me all the time people. You know for emergencies where I have to read something. Comment with your ideas/links. Thanks.

300 mile pepperoni

OK so Jon and I have joked about flying just as far east as we have to get to a white castle and then eating and flying right home.

Tammy and I drove 300 miles for a pizza.

We went out to Forks, WA with the kids just to get a pizza, go to a park, walk on the beach for about a 1/2 hour and come home.

It was really fun.

The dogs ran and ran and ran. They are still tired today.