Had this been an actual emergency...

OK this was only a test. Actually it was an actual parental visit and now I'm returning to a normal state of chaos that is my life.

I will have clean dogs by the time I get home though. I know you think I've hired dog cleaning elves that will come into my house and de-dog-funk it, but no. I dropped them at the groomer this morning and this afternoon I will have clean and hopefully pleasn't smelling dogs. I wish it was like the car wash where you can get various scents. Yes I'd like a pine fresh beagle today. I'll have to rename my dogs though if that happens and I just couldn't face having two dogs one named peaches and the other named spice.

Turkey? Better? Um No.

I went to lunch with my parents and I took them to fatburger. I thought by getting the turkey burger I was eating leaner. Um no. More fat. More cholesterol. The best one? MORE CALORIES. How did they do that?

That's it. I'm not eating anymore. At all. Ever.

OK how about no more fatburger? I don't care how great it is they have relish.

Muddy Morning

Tourist Grazing

I took my parents to the five spot for lunch. I love the drive up the hill and the view of the city from up there. Not to mention the brisket sandwich. Fries? duh. Tin Roof Sundae... um hello?

Nothing Like

There is nothing more pleasant than the feeling of putting on nice warm jeans from the dryer... until you get to the button. Doh!

The Art of Conversation

I was tired. I was fed and tired. I was back in the museum of flight and my parents and kids had just entered the "kid" area and Max and Sam had promptly vanished and my parents and benched themselves like 4th string freshman not to move until told that we were leaving. I was looking at an "out of order" exhibit when a docent came up and told me he would turn it on for me because I clearly wanted to see it go. He was right. It was a little wind tunnel with a model plane in it on wires that would clearly "fly" when the air was pushed past it. He fiddled with it for a while and then dug out his Swiss army knife and he tried various blades to turn a screw in the "on" knob to get it to turn on. No luck. Well no luck turning on the thing.

We started talking about Swiss army knives. He had lost his model with a saw which he said was hard to find. I talked about my various ones. I say various because as I told him, I lose them, buy them then finally find them again so I have like three around. I have the model that lacks cork screw and has a Phillips screwdriver instead.

We conversed. It was great.

For about fifteen minutes we covered subject such as flu shots and immune systems to the germ dishes that are so fondly called: "children." We talked about education and science. Of course we didn't get to (and wouldn't) politics or religion. It was still a real conversation. Not small talk.

We never once spoke of the rain. Of course we didn't, we both live in Seattle and the rain is to be ignored above all else in polite conversation.

I Feel Fine

Since my parents are in town I've been leaving them the kid-mobile and driving the beetle. It's so fun. With gas down to 2.47 then I don't ... wait did I just say that? Down to 2.47? Jezus H. Christ. (What does the H stand for?) Well it's still fun to make the turbo kick in and try to get my little spoiler to pop before I hit a certain spot in the merge. Also the seat heat rocks when it's just a bit chilled out.

Another pointless post. And you read all the way to the bottom. Sukkkkah...

Ancestral Visit Begins

Yes my parents are in town. The kids and I got them from the airport last night. A quick stop at the golden arches for dairy based fat calories and off to bed we all went.

Who knows what they will do with the kids today and tomorrow whilst I'm at work...

Little catch up...

Jen was here and we had a great time. I'm back to work and my parents are coming in tonight. I have to clean the kitchen...

Also my system has gotten a little rust on it. I'm certain it's from all the BSG I've been watching off of my DVR. Can I just say that scrolling blog comment text on the bottom of an entire season of a show. They had done polls on the site I guess and were printing the answers to such insightful questions like, "who's the baddest character?" Then they scrolled along the bottom for each entire show a selection of inane responses. I got used to ignorning it. Digression.

Out of context

Said directly to me last night: "Oh please! You know you eat all the pig ass you can get your hands on!"

Even in context it sounded about the same...

Truck Master here I come. What was that number?

So I've had this idea for a while where I could take on different jobs just for a few days and learn some skills. For example I don't know how to roll and enchilada. Not even half of it let alone the whole enchilada. You see what I'm saying. If I took a job in a Mexican restaurant for a few days and learned how to cook, I bet my Mexican cooking skills would go up. I'm not saying they'd be great and I'd have a secret recipe for mole sauce or anything, but I'd know what mole sauce is and how to spell it (I actually had to ask Jen just now.)

OK so switch gears just a little (like I don't do that normally). I had to go. I mean I really had to pee. We went into the safeway to get a few things you need. Like cookie dough and I really needed to pee. So it's an old safeway. Kinda beat in fact. I look around the perimeter of the store. I didn't bother looking in the middle because they don't let you just go in the frozen food section. No joy. No john. So fine I'm gonna hold it. In high school I could hold it all day because quite frankly the bathrooms were not the safest spot in the world. Then an employee asked me if I was finding everything I needed. Well actually now that you mention it I require the use of a bathroom. She lead me to the double door "employee's only -- No entrance." She says, "go right through there around the corner and up the stairs." Cool.

So on my way I see all the employee signs. The best one is in a foot ball motif that says how to make a first and 10 with the customers. The first one is what to bag and what not to bag. Where the "bag free" zone is. The next one says that you take the customer all the way to the item. Finally you ask the customer if they want help out to the car. Well since I'm back there. Employees only. I must therefore be working there I should take all this to heart. OK fine I didn't take the "No merchandise in the bathroom" sign to heart. I was carrying a bottle of nail polish remover (not for me) when I had the option to pee. There was no danger I took the shot. So OK I went back and the nail polish remover was the wrong kind so I took her all the way back to the item. I work there now, right? We decided not to buy the candy we had picked so I went and restocked it. Go me. I'm headed for that employee of the month parking space. Then we checked out. I got into a conversation with the checker (That is what they are called in the biz) about what not to bag. She pointed that she had, in fact, not bagged our paper towels. Nice. I explained about how I took Jen right to the item and I'm sure I was going to help take the stuff out to the car. Go me.

Then she gave me my change and told me to get out. No she didn't. She was very nice and pointed out that because there were two items and two people there was no need to offer to help out to the car. So that's one job done. Safeway employee done. Next up? Truck driving school. I've always wanted to double clutch and hire a lumper to unload my rig...

Birthday Shouts

That was in fact the best birthday ever. I'm so glad I didn't do a party of any kind. I might just keep that up til I'm I dunno... dead?

Shout outs to: Jen, Max, Sam, The other Jen, Jon, Brenner, Bander, Megan, Glen, Kurt & Marie and Deonn. I'm sure I missed someone, sorry.

It was fantastic.

All I really want for my birthday is to be number one

OK so I am a freak. Yes I know you know, shut up.

I've hit this keyword set twice and it's so weird I really want to be number one google search hit for: "kathleen turner overdrive sonic death monkey" so if you're bored. And come on you're reading this so we know that's the case. Just click that link then look for backtalk (I'm #2) right now and click back through to this blog. Soon google will get the idea that I am in fact the kathleen turner overdrive sonic death monkey expert and future searches will lead to me.

Seriously it costs you nothing. 2 clicks. A little search and I'm #1. I can't be far off I'm #2 now. And hey some google advertiser for sonic care monkey toothbrushes or some such will get more impressions... See? Everybody wins. Especially me. It is my birthday. Come on don't you want to see who else is an expert on that supreme subject? Just don't click them. K? and if you do come back and click me twice. k? k.

You say it's your Birthday?

Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to me.
I aaaaaaaammmmm 38
and that's really great!

Seriously this has been (so far) the best birthday of my life.
It's only early morning still... woo hoo.

Derailed and not sucked up

Yesterday I blew up a vacuum (sounds like a Jimmy Buffet song, huh?) and I had to go get a new one. Yesterday I went to Sears and was over run by sales people. I got confused. They were talking fancy. So I went and looked at the jumbo trons, talk to my peeps on the phone and promptly left. From there I went to a vacuum store. Two U's? Really? That's some kind of fucked up. Did Ben Franklin have anything to do with this?

At the store devoted to Vacuums a very thin African man tried to sell a Vacuum while only 8 lbs was bigger than him. I felt really bad giving him the be back. You know the I'll say, "be back" to your face but what I really mean is jesus fuck, get the hell outta here. I'm just saying.

So then I went to consumer reports, dropped my $26.00 for a vote of confidence (that's a years worth of "oh shit that blew up, what do I buy?") and chose. Well OK I had a brief confab with someone I trust before going out and plunking down the change. I got it home and after hunting for the screw driver, (No not the orange juice kind) I got it together and ran it some. Wow it's much quieter than my death throws dirt devil was. Course to be fair that thing was in the process of throwing a belt and burning out all at once (a clever move even for a lesser demon of dog hair and dust.)

The best part of the process? When I threw my hands up and went and got ice cream with the kids. There isn't anything like fat calories to make the blues go away.

I suck? Nope, but this thing does. Not exactly what I wanted to get myself for my birthday, but what the fuck are you gonna do? (You didn't think I'd get through the post without mentioning my bday is tomorrow!)

A quest for a cut above

No there are no Knights Templar on this little hunt. We were looking to relocate our barber: Al. Al rocks. He's from Boston and knows how to cut hair. Specifically he knows how to cut my hair and Max's hair. He had sold the shop nearby to another guy (yes we tried him once, but neither Max nor I liked him.) and then had moved to another place. One Saturday we went back and he was cutting there so we thought he was back. He said he was only back for Saturdays for a while and told me an approximate place where to look if he wasn't there. That day and the next time we saw Al the new guy was very pissy because everybody just wanted to wait for Al. I could tell the new owner wanted him gone.

This morning we got up at 7:00am and went for a haircut. No Al. In fact no barber at all until 9:00. So fine we went to breakfast at the Crystal Creek Cafe (where one can get a kick ass BLTA that's bacon lettuce tomato and avocado. (which is a green fruit with a pit that one might make guacamole out of.)) At about 9:00 we went back. No Al.

Next we went looking for Al. He gave a major street and the cross street number. Unfortunately there are lots of streets with that number crossing 99. So we staked out one Barber shop "Soul Barber" Somehow I thought it might be Korean not overly spiritual. Place opened at 10:00am no Al. Just a guy who I think statistically has to have the family name of "Kim," but I'm not sure. Didn't talk to him.

I gave up and headed out. I crossed yet another street with that number and yo. Yet another barber shop. We looked and there he was. Now I'm sporting a nice haircut and Max is too.

Another crisis averted on the way to 38 (day after tomorrow!)

You can't make this shit up. (I hate the tv news)

I also can't do it justice. Just imagine the radio when that OH-MY-GOD-IT'S-NEWS guy with the loud shocked voice doing the voice.

Food expiration dates.
What food has expired, but is still on store shelves?
Worse! Find out who's eating it!
Find out on AssClownNews!!!

I'm not kidding that's the lead news story. OK I made up the name because I can't remember if it's king, or kong or komo or fox or whogivesaflyingfuck.

Seriously if it's milk don't drink it. Most expiration dates are to get you to toss shit out at home and buy new.

Idiocy.

Maybe I'm just old and cranky. I am almost 38.

I'm almost 38

You'd think I'd fucking learn that frozen pizza when cooked correctly can burn the living fuck out of one's mouth. Seriously.

I'm sorry. What?

I think since I stayed up late and read the rest of Angels and Demons I was a bit tired. I was also a bit cranky. I wasn't like cranky straight through, but I had my moments. I didn't get to sleep until 2:30. I'm not complaining it was all me. It was a choice I made. Silly perhapps in concert with the fact that I'm not drinking caffene at work made me sleepy. I had some good training today which was fun then got home to do the parent thing. blah blah blah

Is there a point here? No.

In my inbox

In going through my junk mail I saw an ad for a dentist. Would you go to a dentist named, "Chad?"

I wouldn't.

Update: Wait wait. There is another ad for a dentist in my junk mail. (Smooth talking dental junk mail sales dude, huh?) Names? Tammy... um no. Or no you can't make this up the other guy's name is "Dat"

You say it's your birthday?

Well it's not mine... yet. When you use that word, "yet" do you mean you're going to see evil dead II or not?

Actually either too much impending 38 or too much high fidelity has got me thinking of my top 5 records.

I don't have them in any order. Hell I don't even have them. I do know I like Garden State a lot and I'll be visiting that old friend a lot today. Oh if you don't hear from me for a couple days don't worry zero seven and the shins together can make for some serious manufactured depression.

I'm just saying.

The down under blunder

Is it wrong to listen to other people's conversations when sitting at a bar? I say no.

I went to the outback for dinner tonight and being just me I sat at the bar. I had a tough time even getting a seat there. I ordered pretty quickly and started reading. It became clear to me that the couple who was sitting around the corner of the bar from me was on a first date or a blind or something. Clearly from the conversation they didn't know anything about each other. They were pretty young maybe 22 or 23 and they were talking about school. She was talking about a huge project she did and all the details she included when making this somehow extra large diorama art/history project. She was clearly proud of it and clearly proud of stuff she had learned in school. Smart girl. OK fine.

The blunder? "My favorite class? Well I'm thinking it was auto shop... body work mostly." Then he went on to detail that after high school he started working in a body shop and she was politely interested. (And yes by now I'm eating salad, not looking at them but listening intently because it was fucking funny.) He talked about how that was just "like a dollar over minimum wage" so he got out of that and went to school. "You know just went to school." She asked "what did you study?" Again politely interested. His response? "math" well I kinda like math and it was fun, but I only got a C. That's better than English though. I always had to go to summer school for English.

OK I'm all for honest, but dude... Seriously? Be excellent in her presence. Not detail the encyclopedia of stupid that you've lived. Seriously I'm sure the guy was good at something. He could have talked about... anything else... Not summer school. Not his minimum wage job. Not that math was fun, but he only got a C. So not laid.

Yet another day in the direction of 40...

One of my favorite jobs was when I worked first for Mid State Theaters and they were bought out by Lowes in Ohio. I ran the movie projectors. My good friend Doug Conn got me the job at the local theater. He apparently told the manager he thought I was smart enough to run projectors. Doug is a fantastic magician and was on his way out of town to start touring doing street magic. Doug and I had hung out quite a bit doing magic here and there and even getting tossed out of a couple places for it.

I loved that job. Besides cleaning the theaters I had my time to myself up stairs and after hours I had a ginormous stereo to play. We did in fact have parties in the theater late nights.

My second summer running the movies we had a special run of Die Hard. It was in 70mm this means a much better picture and much better sound. I remember the sound especially because I got on average 2 to 2 and a half complaints a day right after the first scene. A Boeing 747 lands over the camera and the sound hit (yes we measured it) 102Db. That if you are unfamiliar with the scale is really fucking loud.

So because it was 70mm we couldn't leave the projector. The print was too valuable and the projector would have eaten it had anything gone wrong. Yes I know there is supposed to be a fail safe on it that stops it when the film breaks but we didn't have that part in 70mm and corporate decided my ass per hour was cheaper than the part. This was good and bad news. Good news was I didn't have to wear the outfit (you know the maroon vest with a white shirt and black pants.) but I did have to stay in the booth the entire time the film was running. Good thing I had a bathroom. Surprisingly the other projectionist who was a 40 year old union member card carrying mutherfucker who lived in his parents basement and his other job was at a comic book store where I shit you not they paid him in trade. Seriously if this guy had worked in a record store he would have been dick out of High Fidelity. He also had wardrobe malfunction problems which could have been easily solved by a belt. I digress. He (the pantsfallingdowncomicbooklovin guy) decided to take his PAID VACATION (Did I get this? no Am I still bitter? yes.) So I had to pull doubles for 2 solid weeks while this guy went to a comic com or some shit. What is the net of all this digression? I know every word in Die Hard as I watched six times a day (seven on fri/sat) for 2 solid weeks. Actually it was a little more because they scheduled his days off on the other ends. I know every word in Die Hard. Now while I still like the film, it is not my favorite movie by far. I don't even own it on DVD. I mean really why?

You know this whole post is a digression. I mean I aimed at movie quotes and I ended up just talking about my stint as a movie projectionist. Or operator as we're called in the biz.

Ah well. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. (Seriously I had to look that up.)

11 days to 38

Today some numbers:

I was born in 1969.
I've lived in 2 apartments, 4 states, and 6 houses. 2 of the houses I owned.
I've been employed by 8 companies. Most of them had to do with technology.

Since being anything older than a newborn, I've had 1 stitch and I think one broken bone. It was my toe and I didn't do anything about it. I've also had a couple of really good sprains. I've injured in some way most of my fingers. Yet I still have ten of them.
I don't know how many times I've been to the ER. Many of the trips being on either Christmas or Thanksgiving.

I've owned 11 cars. Only one was used. Six of them (and the one I drive most now) were Toyotas.

I've had three speeding tickets; first one, no contest; second, acquitted; third a deferment which is already up so while it was expensive it never hit my record.

I've been called (among many other things) "under performing" and "over insured" and yet I still manage to maintain some level of self esteem.

I know how lots and lots of magic tricks are done, but I probably know how to do a dozen or so.

I have two tattoos.

All this in almost 38 years. Are you impressed? I am.

Countdown the 38

On day 12 of this month I will be 38. Why would I count down to this? I guess really we count up to these things. 38 is late 30's. I was going on about 37 still being my mid thirties but there is no getting around the 8 being on the late side of the 30's. I mean what's next? 39. 39 is going on 40. So this is the late 30's coming up.

I guess people think about how they feel when they talk about birthdays. Me? I'm great. Most days. I mean, come on, to be honest I have crappy days just like the next person, but about life? I'm a happy guy. I've got two great kids, an awesometastic girlfriend, a good job (that no I don't post about my job because I fucking like it and would like to keep it. I guess the same is true for posting too much about the girlfriend... ok that made me laugh.) and a plan. Looking back? I've done stuff and then more stuff. I've spent adult years doing almost nothing. Three to be exact. Kid years doing nothing don't count. There were tough parts, but so? I have goals. I talk to the 8 ball. My conversations go like this:

"Will I ever play for the NBA?"

Shake shake shake

"It is decidedly so."